THE TV SHOWS THAT DIDN’T QUITE MAKE IT
“Well, the way they make shows is, they make one show. That show's called a pilot. Then they show that show to the people who make shows, and on the strength of that one show they decide if they're going to make more shows. Some pilots get picked and become television programs. Some don't, become nothing. She starred in one of the ones that became nothing.”
Having also experienced the intense pride, soul-bursting joy and gut-wrenching dismay of being involved (all too briefly) in a mini-pilot I can to some degree extrapolate with a certain degree of certainty what most TV execs are looking for in a successful series. With all the great writers (and even the less than great writers) out there, extremely capable directors and even great directors working in the TV industry there is one thing that execs want more than anything else in their shows.
It has to be cheap.
Money being spent on shows is the last thing they want. Let’s face facts here if they have to spend the same amount of money on “Father Ted” as they do on the dismal sketch show “Jam” then is it any wonder they just want to film a group of normal folk and try to simply edit them into being funny. These are the reasons why such shows as “Hogan knows best!”, “Geordie Shore” or the abysmal “Keeping up with the Kardashians” are made because they are cheap and easy to fill with advertising space for products nobody wants.
Geordie Shore
Keeping up with the Kardashians
Keeping up with the Kardashians must feature the lowest ratio of content to programming on earth. When you remove the shots of them looking at each other after every supposed piece of “real” dialogue, their commentary on what they were actually thinking after the looks, advertising and titles, you probably have a half hour show that’s probably only 10 minutes long.
But these catchy celebrity titles got me thinking, especially with the new series "McFly on the Wall", about other potential new shows that also featured the celebrities name in a quirky way. With my IR Posse (Alex Brown, Sally Clabburn, Michael Eyles, Helen Green and Daniel McGorry “What up, bitches?” what up bitches? which of you guys came up with that?) we managed to come up with absolutely loads. Please enjoy, re-post and feel free to comment...
Joe’s Quosh! - Joe decides to take on the soft drinks giants in this reality based show where he becomes the manager of a cordial factory in Epping, dealing with the infamous blueberry famine and wrestling with the problem of creating a banana flavoured drink that isn’t a shake.
Stephanie Beach ‘em - Stephanie takes 20 plucky university students, dumps them on a desert island and waits to see what happens, cannibalism or cunnilingus?
Kerry Kat-Owner - Due to her disastrous love-life she decides to become a cat lady, taking on board 20 strays, 3 camera crews and 2 celebrity magazines.
Starr Gazers - Freddie and Ringo play a pair of perverted peeping tom’s spying on their 19 year old neighbour - Rating - Stalkery
KEANE AS MUSTARD - Watch the trials and tribulations as Roy and Robbie open an Irish Delicatessen on Deansgate.
FOWL PLAY - Odd couple Robbie and Arthur Folwer decide to get themselves a chicken coop.
Matthew and Megan’s Fox - Matthew Fox and his sister Megan fight for custody over their ginger pet.
John’s Cue-Sack - Thought provoking voyage of personal discovery discussing testicular cancer to discover when they are removed do they get sent to the knacker’s yard - on More4.
FROM TUSK TILL DAWN - Dawn French goes on an African elephant hunt and bags enough to make 20 piano’s or 1 jacket.
Ryan’s Renault - Ryan Reynold’s crosses America in a 2 litre Laguna.
Guy’s Fork - Aside from being a Protestant hater and a mastermind of the destruction of Parliament, in his spare time Guy is quite a culinary genius. Follow him as he looks into the past and tries delicacies from the time William the Conquerer, Cleopatra and more!
Peter Kay-K-K! - High octane drama. When a convenience store owner is killed in his home town, the Bolton funny-man goes to the deep south to do battle with the Ku Klux Klan - rating - racial tension!
Doris’ Day - Follow Doris as she wakes up, makes herself a cup of tea. After getting ready she pays the garden centre a visit, goes home, watches news-night, then retires to bed.
Action packed!!!
Owen Goal - Michael Owen and Owen Coyle attempt to train Great Britain’s paraplegic football team. Enjoy the thrills and spills as the wheelchair lads attempt zonal marking.
Woody and Buzz! - Woody Allen attempts to get to the bottom of the appeal of the world’s favourite sex toy . . . the giant vibrating egg!
Ralph and Joseph Fiennes wines - The Fienne’s boys live the fienne life and open a branch of Threshers
Celebrity Celebrity Big Brother - Genuine celebrities go into the Big Brother house.
Imagine the fun of watching Clint Eastwood and Jack Nicholson argue over what tea bags to buy ...Tetley or PG?
Watch Madonna and Angelina Jolie fight over who’s going to adopt Mario Balotelli.
See Danny DeVito get eaten by a doormouse and Flo Rider work out that Vince Vaughn was taken the piss when he talked about rapers Cal Ifornya, George Ya and Mitch Igan!
Kevin’s Key-Gone - Kevin Keegan becomes a locksmith only to quit halfway through the series and be replaced by Martin O’Neill.
Arsene’s Elbow - Arsene Wenger takes over managing Britain’s best nearly successful indie band and then replaces them with less expensive younger foreign musicians with supposedly more potential.
Beyonce Know-Alls - Wailing, big thighed Diva defends her world pub quiz crown in a showdown at the Eagle and Child against the reigning European champion, Brain Blessed!
Claudia Shiver - Claudia is invited to live in an igloo for a year. Unbeknown to her it’s all a con and there’s no film in the camera’s.
Bale and Haye - Christian Bale and David Haye team up to become a wrestling duo, going up against Dale (Winton) and (Harry) Hill and against the might of Daryl (Hannah) and (Colin) Farrell.
NINE BOB NOTE - Robert Redford, Robert Zemeckis, Robby Blake, Bob Hoskins, Rob Lowe, Robert Downey Jnr, Robert De Niro, Bobby Brown and Robby Keane all contribute toward a letter of protest about the war in Afghanistan . . . only on BBC4.
Bear Grills and Richard Hammond-Rye - Richard Hammond and Bear Grylls open a burger van on the M40, which Richard promptly crashes into on his first day. Bear Survives.
Camilla Parker-Bowls! - Our favourite frumpy faced royal divides her time being a chauffeur to Lady Penelope and also dropping a bunch of seniors at the crown green championships - TV rating - Sedate.
Robbie’s Coal Train! - Robbie Coltrane’s dream of becoming a miniature steam train driver is short-lived as he discovers that he’s too fat to fit in the cab.
Britneys Spears - Britney takes a break from lip-synching and under the stewardship of Raymond “Barney” Van Barneveld, discovers she’s just as good at pretending to play darts as she is at pretending to sing.
Chaka Deemus and Pliers - The Rrragga-muffin favourite from the nineties hosts a new do-it-yourself show. In episode 2 he makes inexpensive shelves from bricks and hardwood. In episode 3 he asks shaggy who did his awful bathroom grouting, only to be told, it wasn’t him!
Kelly Ro-Land! - Kelly Rowland meets everyone’s favourite former grange-hill drug dealer and asks him why he didn’t “Just say no”!
FRANK LAMP-HARD! - Frank the Lamp is locked in a bitter take-over battle for the cosy shades light-bulb factory in Surrey after a rival bid from Florescent Malouda.
PHIL TAYLOR-MADE - Dart’s king Phil Taylor swaps the oche and Alexandra Palace for a week’s trial in a posh tailors in Saville Row.
Double top suits you, sir!
ROSS to WOSS - Jonathan Ross and Ross Kemp trade places. Ross Kemp becomes a witty light-hearted Friday night celebrity interviewer and Jonathan meets some of the toughest gangs around the world in Rio, the Bronx, Toxteth and Wigan.
SIMON’S COWELL! - After tiring of his high trousered antics, Simon decides to assume a secret identity and vows to fight all crime ...against fashion! Battling the dastardly Gok Wan (who hates all clothes) and the Evil Doctor Gillian McKeith. Simon faces a nightly struggle against puff ball skirts and heelies, a battle that will never end ...Until Britain’s got talent starts again.
Just Williams - William Roache, Robbie Williams, Will Young, Will Carling and John Williams spend three hours trying to explain to Will I am that it’s pronounced ...William.
The Sylvester Show - Follow up to Ross to Woss! Sylvester Stallone goes all Space Jam and changes into cartoon form aided by his old trainer Mickey, to try and catch Tweety Pie using a variety of ACME traps. Whereas Sylvester the cat changes to human form and goes to Russia to box Ivan Drago, getting battered throughout the whole contest before managing to gloriously knock him out in the last round.
TIGER WOULD! - Laugh-a-minute as we follow Tiger Woods as he goes through his daily life encountering busty beauties in skimpy tops while laughing like Sid James.
“I fancy playing around with you, darling, FWAH, FWAH, FWAH, FWAH!”
“Do you want to handle my wood, love? FWAH, FWAH, FWAH, FWAH!”
“FWAH, FWAH, FWAH, FWAH!”
Not for under-12’s ...or Tiger’s wife.
Jeremy’s Iron - Camp English Oscar winner Jeremy, extols the virtues of his favourite irons while dissing the more inadequate wrinkle removers (“Simon says the Teafal 340’s steam function couldn’t remove a crease caused by a mouse’s chuff!”)
Stephen Fry - With comedy quiz shows where a witty front man offers well-timed quips now being extinct, Stephen decides to work in a chippy in Cleethorpes.
Michael’s Mac-in-tyre! - Portly posh funny-man engages in a treasure hunt as he has to find 12 big mac’s hidden in a tyre yard - TV rating - challenging!
Judith’s Little Charmers - The golden goddess has 12 young men fighting for her affections in an “it’s a knockout” style competition. Each week one participant is eliminated until finally one man has to marry the orange one.
Amanda Holden the Baby! - Amanda Holden is hired as a nanny to Brad and Angelina’s massive horde of children. Watch as the lovable Britain’s got talent judge hires a sheepdog to keep them all together - TV rating - sitcom-y.
BOWEN 7-4-7 - Co-pilots Lawrence Llewellyn and Bullseye hero Jim have to navigate and fly to outer Mongolia in one piece. You can’t beat a bit of bully.
Hi Ho Silver Lionel’s - Fruity dance maestro Lionel Blair and ex-Commodore Lionel Richie take on the new challenge of becoming rodeo riders - TV Rating - Truly! You’ll be watching all night long!
David Gray’s Anatomy - David Gray reveals his favourite body parts, when they were invented and their impact on the history of mankind.
Reid and Wright - Peter Reid and Ian Wright embark on a literacy programme in which Ian and Peter teach kids to “talk all proper, like,” “Innit!”
Bring to the Boyles - Frankie and Susan Boyle play rival antique dealers in this fabulous rehash of “Never the Twain”. Chuckle as Frankie hurls so much abuse at customers that they leave in tears, while next door, Susan’s finale high-notes shatter numerous priceless Ming vases. TV Rating - laughtastic!
Scarlett George-Benson - Scarlett Johansson researches what has happened to the nearly successful singer and confesses she loves “On the wings of love” ...by Jeffrey Osbourne. Oops! TV Rating - Utter (Luther Van) Dross.
Blue Moon - Britain’s comeback kings (well, maybe comeback Baronets!) decide to bare their arses in Burton’s window for comic relief.
The Wanted ...WANTED! - Britain’s second favourite boy-band (sorry One Direction, it’s not you!) become wanted criminals when they are mistaken for a group of armed robbers.
Coming to a TV scree near you ....sometime never!
Of course please feel free to add to these doozies in the comments section
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