Movies in a minute, too long for you?

...Well don’t worry, we’ll see what we can do to shave the down to about 30 seconds ...or less where possible.  With the help of my Hardcore crew (Alex “Fresh” Brown, Sally “Real” Clabburn, Michael “Gorgeous George” Eyles, Helen “Moustachio” Green and Daniel “Scouse” McGorry) we have managed to abridge several classics.  WARNING:  THERE BE SPOILERS HERE!  LOOK AWAY NOW.

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The Matrix

Morpheus:  Neo.  You ...are ...the one.

Neo:  No I don’t think I am,

Oracle:  No, you’re not the one.

Neo:  Okay, I knew it.

Trinity:  I love you, so you are the one.

Neo:  Oh yeah!  I am the one.

The end

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Die Hard Quadrilogy

Hans:  I am going to rob the building.

Bruce Willis:  I am never going in a tall building again.

(Hans Dies)

Major Bad-Guy: I am going on a plane.

Bruce Willis:  I am never going on a plane again.

(Major Bad-Guy dies)

Hans’ Brother:  I am going to rob New York.

Bruce Willis:  I am never going to New York again.

(Hans’ Brother Dies)

Timothy Elephant:  I am going to rob America with bad CGI.

Bruce Willis:  I am never wearing a syrup again.

(Timothy Elephant dies)

The End ...For Now!

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The Expendables

Pirate:  I want money for kidnapping these oil workers

Stallone:  No.

(Shoots pirate)

Bruce Willis:  I’m Bruce Willis, want a job in a movie, Arnie.

Arnie:  Nah!  I’ll just have a cameo.  Give the job to Stallone here.

Stallone:  ‘Preciate it!

Bruce Willis:  Go to this island in the middle of nowehere and kill anything in a uniform that moves.

Stallone:  Okay.

(Does so)

The End!

Jason Statham:  Weren’t we meant to be in this movie as well?

Jet Li:  There wasn’t time.

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Twilight

Bella:  I’m a miserable teen moving to the middle of nowhere.  My life sucks!

Edward:  Did someone say sucks?  I’m Edward, a vampire metaphor to say that Goths are cool.

(Vampires have stupid baseball game and Bella gets bitten by naughty vampires.)

Edward:  Oh no.  She’s been bitten.  She’ll become a monster.

Some Other Vampire:  Why?  I thought that the whole point of the movie was that vampire goths were cool?

Edward:  Sort of.  I’d better suck the poison out.

(Does so)

The End

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Inception

Leonard Crapio:  Tell me your secrets from your dreams, Wealthy Industrialist!

Wealthy Industrialist  Never!  Now get out of my head, loser!

(Leonard does so and runs off)

Wealthy Industrialist:  I’ve decided you’re not a loser.  How about planting an idea in some guy’s head.

Leonard’s Bessie mate:  It can’t be done.

Leonard:  Yes it can.

Wealthy Industrialist:  Do this and I’ll fix it for you to return home and see your family, how’s about that then.

(Leonard goes on a big adventure, plants idea and reveals he has no anchor of his own in the real world making the entire film irrelevant!)

Leonard:  Yay!  I made it home, but was it real or just a dream?

Audience:  We could’ve spent two hours in bed and had an actual better dream than this.  Thanks, Leo.

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Rocky Saga

Rocky 

Mickey:  Rocky.  Stay down.

(Rocky gets up.  Rocky Loses)

Rocky II

Mickey:  Rocky.  Get up!

(Rocky gets up.  Rocky wins)

Rocky III

Mickey:  Rocky.  I’m dying!

(Rocky stays down.  Rocky loses.  Micky stays down ...forever.)

Apollo:  Get up, Rock!

(Rocky gets up.  Rocky wins)

Rocky IV

Rocky:  Apollo!  Quit!

Apollo:  No way!

(Apollo stays down ...forever!  Apollo loses)

Tony:  Rocky, get up!

(Rocky gets up.  Rocky wins)

Rocky V

Mickey:  Get up, you son of a bitch, cause mickey loves ya!

(Rocky gets up.  Rocky wins)

Rocky Balboa.

Guy from “Heroes”:  Get up, Dad!

(Rocky gets up.  Rocky loses)

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                               The Bourne Trilogy

Bourne:  (In America)  Who am I?

Bourne:  (In Germany)  Who am I?

Bourne:  (In UK)  Who am I?

Bourne:  (In France) Who am I?

Bourne:  (In another place)  Who am I?

Bourne:  (In New York)  Oh, I remember.

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Silence of the Lambs

John Glenn:  Fancy a laugh?  Go and see Hannibal Lector, he’s a fucking riot.

Jodie Foster:  Okay.

(Does so)

Anthony Hopkins:  Hello, I’m Hannibal Lector.

Jodie Foster:  Hello, I’m Jodie Foster.

Hopkins:  Want help catching that new serial killer, Buffalo Bill?

Foster:  Okay.

Hopkins:  Cool, now that we’re friends how about springing me from this joint?

Foster:  Okay.

(Jodie catches Buffalo Bill, saves the day and goes to the prom.)

John Glenn:  Phone for you, Jodie.  Oh and here’s an Oscar also.

Jodie:  Cheers, who is it?

Hopkins:  It’s me Jodie, about to reference the title in the end bit before I kill the warder and eat his guts.  Bye.

Jodie:  Wait, Doctor Lector ...You forgot your Oscar.

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A CLOCKWORK ORANGE

Malcolm McDowell:  I was having a right horror show time of it.  O my brothers, crasting and drasting with my droogies all the nochy, viddying the vino flow.  Then those glooby bratchny Millicents loveted me and hurled me in the plenny like a common prestoopnik.  That vommy Plenny wasn’t for me so I let some Doctor Vecks filly my mozg to fix me up right skorry.  Then I ittied on home like a good malckiwickiwick, but I couldn’t slooshy my lovely Ludwig anymore without getting bolnoy.  It was oozhassny.  So I jumped out the okno.  I’ve had rather a change of heart, and thinking of getting a zheena like a proper chelloveck and all that cal.

Audience:  Eh?

The End.

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TOP GUN

Tom Cruise:  I am handsome and cool.

Val Kilmer:  No, I am handsome and cool

(They get all moody with each other)

Tom Cruise:  I almost got you killed, so now we are friends

Val Kilmer:  Yes, I like you

( ♫ You’ve lost that loving feeling ♪ )

The end.

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MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 1, 2 and 3

Tom Cruise:  Done, done and ...done!  Hey, I guess they weren’t as hard as we thought.

The end.

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Good Will Hunting

Matt Damon:  Hi, I’m a cleaner and also a bit clever.

Stellan Skarsgaard:  This boy is a genius, he can have any job he wants.

Matt Damon:  I want to be a cleaner.

Robin Williams:  But you’re better than that.  Here, have an Oscar.

Matt Damon:  Okay, I don’t want to be a cleaner.  I want to be Jason Bourne.

Robin Williams:  And so you shall.

The End

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The Hangover

The Wolf Pack:  (The night before) To Doug!

(The next day)

The Wolf Pack:  Where’s Doug?

(A few laughs abound when they discover a baby in the room, a tiger in the room and one of the pack lost a tooth.  Unfortunately the discovery of why these things happened is less funny.  They find Doug on the roof).

The Wolf Pack:  Well, that was mildly amusing.  We’re never doing that again.

The Hangover 2

Same.

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12 Angry Men

Juror:  Guilty

(This happens 10 more times)

Another Juror:  Not Guilty.

(2 hours of tension follow.  Obstinate juror with son issues is last to crack)

Obstinate Juror:  Not guilty!  Not Guilty!

The end

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SPEED

Dennis Hopper:  I will blow up the elevator

Keanu Reeves:  Oh no!  Not the elevator!  (Doesn’t save the elevator)

Dennis:  I will blow up the bus.

Keanu:  Oh no!  Not the bus!  (Doesn’t save the bus)

Dennis:  I will blow up the subway

Keanu:  Oh no!  Not the subway!  (Doesn’t save the subway)

The end

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The Godfather

Marlon Brando:  Thothe who croth the family mutht be punithed 

(Almost dies)

(Dies)

Al Pacino:  I will run the family business straight now, after I kill all these people.

(Organises all these people killed)

The End

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TITANIC

Leo DiCaprio:  Your social class is stuffy.  Let’s dance with the ship’s rats and have fun

Kate Winslet:  You have captured my heart.  Let’s run around the ship and giggle.

(The ship sinks)

Leo Dicaprio:  Never let go.

Kate Winslet:  I promise.

(let’s go)

The end

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The Terminator

Terminator:  I am from the future to kill Sarah Connor so the machines can win the war against humans.

(Terminator looks in phone book for Sarah Connor, see’s what address the three Sarah Connor’s live at and goes to the WRONG ADDRESS!)

Terminator:  Are you Sarah Connor?

Woman:  I can be if you’re from publisher’s clearing house.

(Terminator kills phony Sarah Connor.  Real Sarah runs off with Reece but rings her Mum and gives her the phone number of the motel.  Terminator then rings the WRONG NUMBER but somehow finds her anyway.)

Sarah:  Jesus, you Terminator’s are crap with numbers.  No wonder you’re losing the war.

Terminator:  Yes, we’re a bit shit.  (Terminator dies)

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Gremlins

Dad:  Now there are three rules.  1.  Don’t get them wet.

Son:  Oops too late.

Dad: That’s okay.  2.  Don’t feed them after midnight.

Son:  Oops, do the sandwiches I’m giving them now count.  Aagh!  They’re turning evil.

Dad:  That’s okay, too.  Rule 3.  Sunlight kills them.

Son:  Done.  This present’s rubbish, Dad.  Like your stupid inventions.

Dad:  Yes, I will give it back to the Chinese man now.

The end.

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DELIVERANCE

New York Businessmen:  Hey let’s go to the Deep South for a camping and canoeing trip.

Other New York Businessmen:  Great Idea.

(They arrive)

Redneck:  I like the look of the fat boy.  I’m going to totally bum him.

(Fat businessman gets brutally sodomised by Rednecks in the wood.)

Redneck:  Squeal like a pig, Boy!

(Burt Reynolds saves the day and shoots all the dirty country bumpkins.  Fat businessman is ashamed, lost his dignity but still won’t tell the wife.)

The End.

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Taken

Liam Neeson:  I’ve retired from being a hard bastard and want to relax and get to know my daughter.

Famke Jansen:  I don’t want you to know our daughter and I hate you for being a hard bastard, (although it was what I was attracted me to you at the beginning.)

Liam Neeson’s Daughter:  I want to be a spoilt brat and not get to know you and trek around Europe following U2.

Liam Neeson:  Okay, but don’t get caught by people traffikers.

(She goes to Paris and gets caught by People Traffikers ...Immediately!) 

Famke Jansen:  Oh no!  Please be hard bastard and get our daughter back.

(Liam Neeson does so and kills everyone!)

Liam Neeson:  I love it when a plan comes together.

Famke Jansen:  The moral of this film seems to be that spoilt women are stupid.

Liam Neeson:  Yes they are, Famke.  Yes they are!




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