WHEN TWO SIDES ARE EQUALLY UNAPPEALING WHO DO YOU SIDE WITH?  ANSWER?  NEITER OF THEM

So it was with interest and dismay that I read about US citizens signing a petition to have Piers Morgan deported.  Interest because of the subject he was commenting on with the  brains and subtlety of some kind of bovine creature in some kind of ornamental plate shop, but also dismay as that would mean he’d be heading back to the UK, but joking aside the debates that are going on in the US at the moment regarding gun control are debates that are going on in offices and homes around the globe as all people feel the torture of those parents whose children will never be coming home and the difficult questions that the country faces.

It is interesting to see the debate however go exactly the same way that the debate went after the 2008 credit crunch when many of the world’s huge financial institutions failed.  Then around the time the financial institutions said that the bonus structure was wrong and this needed to be changed ...Until it came time to reward it’s exec’s for their failure when they expected it to be business as usual.

What has happened this time?  Well immediately after the tragic event in Connetticut the NRA realised that if they say no to gun control immediately after the event they would look bad, and so stayed largely quiet, then of course we hear from them after they feel the fuss has died down and their solution is ...MORE GUNS.  Yep either arm the teachers or have armed guards at every school.  MORE GUNS.  Sadly the NRA seems both unwilling to change and unwilling to look at history to see what the actual effect of these things are, but when young children are gunned down mercilessly the question must surely be asked, why are the NRA so unwilling to look at more gun control?  Looking at America from the outside in I think I have some ideas on that subject.

But firstly let’s weigh up in all seriousness the suggestion of the NRA of putting guns in schools.  Obviously then the danger is that a guard will get depressed, kill his fellow guards and start killing kids as someone who is suffering a breakdown with a gun is already there.  The funny thing is to me this is the obvious problem with this solution, and yet on message boards everywhere we read NRA supporters suggesting that even mentioning such a likelihood is stupid because anything can happen! ...Which to me means that if anything can happen then putting guns in schools is a bad idea, but it is not the first time that weapons escalation has lead to more problems than it has solved.  In fact all around us at the moment the struggle for weapons is causing us constant problems in Iran, Korea and numerous other areas but the best historical evidence of the danger comes from the 1980’s.

Our tale begins with a cold-war spy named Oleg Gordievsky in the mid-eighties as Soviet and US relations started to breakdown.  The US had built up a huge amount of nuclear weapons to defend themselves against communist aggression (following to the letter the NRA matra) the USSR responded in kind to defend themselves against capitalist aggression (as you do) and after a series of disastrous faux pas and diplomatic catastrophe’s (Reagan’s radio broadcast when he thought he was off-air being one and the shooting down of an aircraft being another) tensions between the two nations were at a high not seen since the Cuban missile crisis.  In preparation for a possible Soviet attack the US created a number of computer simulation war games.  Soviet spies took these simulations as indications that the US were planning to attack and were considering launching a pre-emptive strike.

What happened next and the coming years, for me, is almost like a roadmap of what needs to happen in the US on a personal level.  

Oleg Gordievsky, due to his position as a spy knew that the computer simulation war-games were precisely that and not a preparation plan for war, because of this he was able to get America to reduce the simulation’s prominence in communications, scale down the inflammatory incursions towards Russian air-space and begin to open up a dialogue. 

To put it simply, escalation made it worse, stopping and stepping back made it better.

The parallels of history to what has just happened are astonishing.  The killer’s mum was (according to the news stories) was terrified of the  apocalypse and armed herself to fight it off but wound up creating it.  Guns in these places aren’t going to stop people whose grand plan is to put a bullet in their head at the end of their moment of madness, they know they’re going to die and so for them it doesn’t matter who they take with them.  Put guns in a school they’ll attack a library, put guns in a library they’ll attack a park.  

More guns will not stop insane people from acting as it only works as a deterrent on the sane. 

But from looking at the blogs, comments pages on news articles and such, clearly it is not just the number of guns in the US that is causing the problems, in Germany and France and Canada gun ownership is also relatively common. In Canada they watch the same TV shows, the same films and play the same violent video games but similar atrocities are rare.  This for America, for its news outlets, for its journalists and for anyone who gives a damn about the children who won’t see another Christmas should be telling.  

Guns in a room on their own can’t hurt anyone it is only in a highly paranoid culture they become like  paraffin on a bonfire.  What I have noticed is that many of the comments pages on the news stories about the NRA’s solution cite fear of Democrat’s taking away their rights and developing a police state, BUT, if armed police in shops, in public buildings, in banks, in schools isn’t a police state then what is?  Why would they want to actually encourage the very film they fear the most and it’s then I realised the one thing that you would not expect the NRA of all people to be.

They’re afraid.

Something has occurred that raises questions about the very nature of American gun culture, that asks the nation if the path it is on is the right one, that asks America what will it do to make things better for the future.  It should not be a case of the American government forcing change on the public it should be a case of the American public wishing to change.  The arms race within the country has brought about more of these apocalyptic moments that any country should bear but the only way forward now is back.

I’ve been Mister Chatable and no doubt I’ll be asked to be deported next.

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NEVER FORGET THE GOLDEN RULES

As creatures I think most of us are what I would class as “RISK AVERSE”.  We aren’t daredevils or stuntmen or adrenalin junkies, we aren’t investors in the stock market, endowed with fortunes we can either earn or lose in the blink of an eye and so, as such, we treat risk with caution.  Ever since we lived in caves we know there are certain things you do not do, you never lag behind the herd, you always make sure that the gas is turned off and you NEVER, EVER make yourself a target! 

  But there was nothing to worry about on Sunday 23rd of December, no reason to worry about risk as that day was the day of “SUPPER WITH SANTA” with Riley meeting the big man himself and all of us were very excited.  He was looking forward to the day, I was looking forward to the day, Zoe was looking forward to the day and Ethan was looking forward to us being out so he could play on “CALL OF DUTY: BLACK OPS II” ...All day.

  NOW, Riley being quite a natty sort like’s wearing shirts, probably slightly more than I did at his age, because these days kids in primary schools don’t tend to wear shirts.  “What do you mean kids in primary schools don’t wear shirts these days?” I hear all you non-parents out there ask, well I’ll tell you.  These days kids before secondary school tend to wear polo-shirts, why things changed and how this became the norm I really don’t know but these days it just is, which probably explains where Riley’s passion for sleeves and buttons comes from.  Now, if my boy was going to wear a shirt for “SUPPER WITH SANTA” then obviously I had to show solidarity with him and stand shoulder-to-shoulder with him AND as I looked through my wardrobe I decided to go all-out and dust-down the old shirt-tie-waistcoat combo as it went really well with my jeans and shoes (and made me look super-slim which for my age was a major triumph!)

  At this stage of the day I am aware that no risks lie ahead, the path to the evening is danger-free and there is no chance of anything going wrong as the universe spun risk-less through the heavens as it should.  Of course I was wrong.

  Eventually we get ready make it to the PEAR TREE pub and sit down for a meal, I have my usual diet coke (as I don’t drink) and start dipping my toe into the pond of conversation around me to test the water whilst simultaneously checking out the menu. I don’t really ponder that Riley gets a free drink and I didn’t even consider what the word “Entertainment” spelt out in standard, un-scary lettering meant.  Whatever it was it was surely nothing to fear.

  So we order the meal, eat it and have a generally pleasant time and while all of this is happening the “Entertainment” is setting-up what looked to be a magic show.  I ponder that this will be nice, there’s no risk and everything’s okay.

  That score so far today ...Risk 0, Mike Lambert Athletic 1.

  The “Entertainment” starts his act and is moderately funny with a variety of parental put-downs that the kids lap-up and, as I walk to re-take my seat he makes a passing comment about my outfit...

  “LOOK AT THIS, VERY SMART AT THE TOP, COULDN’T BE BOTHERED FOR THE BOTTOM!”

  The Mum’s and Dad’s and the kids all have a chuckle at my expense and I sit down feeling all “Yeah, you’ve got me, whatever,” and feel perfectly fine, until I look at where I’m sat.

  I’m sat at a table next to the area where the act is taking place and while there is about 20ish kids in front of me they are all sat down meaning that I am, effectively, ON THE FRONT ROW AT A COMEDY SHOW!

  “AAARRRGGGGHHH!”   

  In my current outfit I might as well be wearing a target but what to do?  If I get up I will no doubt bring more attention to myself but if I stay I’ll also continue to be exposed like a wounded gazelle on the Serengeti.  As he continues his act he asks who the parents are for each child that either takes part in the act or wins a prize and as he picks Riley to help him I feel my insides go cold.  As he asks my name and begins to mock my Preston accent it’s like my risk-assessing mechanism in my brain is in melt-down.  My id is screaming out “HOW DID YOU NOT FIGURE THS WOULD HAPPEN?  YOU HATE STUFF LIKE THIS!  BEING SO SMART THE HUMILIATION IS ALMOST TOO MUCH TO BEAR!” but it is too late.  This budget-version Michael McIntyre of children’s entertainers is now in full flow and when he begins to ask me what my job is I know that I’m toast.

  Now I enjoy aspects of my job, helping the public on a grand scale is always satisfying, but that of course is not the perception.  In the grand scheme of things my job is up there with Banker, MP, referee and Liberal-Democrat party member such is the hatred that comes with it.  I can’t even go into what my job is with this guy because if I do he will not stop with the put-downs probably for the rest of the act and so, for what may well have been the first time in my life, I let words fail me and thankfully the comedian moves on to more vocal targets as my silence leads him into a comedic cul-de-sac.  I am safe.

  So the act goes on and more stuff occurs and I’m starting to feel like I’ve taken the worst, my risk assessment mechanism is telling me that I’ve now had my share of the rip taken out of me and that is that.  In hindsight at this point I probably would have been better asking Father Christmas for some new risk-assessment equipment because then came the coup-de-gras as the “Entertainment” then asks the children to impersonate a reindeer BUT they don’t have to worry as there was someone in the room who would show the boys and girls how it was done, someone who did this professionally, someone who would show them exactly what to do!

  “Please don’t be me, please don’t be me, please don’t be me,” is all I’m thinking, the exact opposite of what I think during the Friday Euromillions lottery draw, but I already know what the answer is...

  “IT’S MIKE!” the comedian shouts.

  “AAARRRGGGGHHH!” my Id screams from the inside.  But as Riley stares at me expectantly I realise there is nothing I can do.  I can’t leave the room and I can’t get out of it as one of the things I have instilled in Riley is that you always should TRY!  I have gone from being a gazelle to a reindeer, but worse, as a reindeer I have to actually get up and act like a reindeer in front of adults and children while being stone-cold sober, at least as a wounded gazelle I could just sit there.  The comedian gives the instructions for what I should do to be the perfect reindeer and I do it.  After I’m told that the attempt was more like a bull than a reindeer I have to do it again but to equal derision but after this second go at least I get to sit down, my humiliation complete ...ALMOST!

  The photographic record of the reindeer impersonating moment goes on Facebook showing everyone the very real dangers of FORGETTING THE GOLDEN RULES!

  BUT...

  There is an upside to this tragic tale because although I forgot one golden rule, that of sitting at the front row of a comedy act, I was at the same time reminded of another golden rule that we take for granted but know is true.  The one that goes like this “AS A PARENT YOU WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOUR KIDS” and I should know, I was the object of a comedian’s ridicule, a reindeer and a gazelle for my child, all at the same time.

  On behalf of everyone at Mister Chatable (Just me then!) I wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Mister Chatable.

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