NEVER FORGET THE GOLDEN RULES

As creatures I think most of us are what I would class as “RISK AVERSE”.  We aren’t daredevils or stuntmen or adrenalin junkies, we aren’t investors in the stock market, endowed with fortunes we can either earn or lose in the blink of an eye and so, as such, we treat risk with caution.  Ever since we lived in caves we know there are certain things you do not do, you never lag behind the herd, you always make sure that the gas is turned off and you NEVER, EVER make yourself a target! 

  But there was nothing to worry about on Sunday 23rd of December, no reason to worry about risk as that day was the day of “SUPPER WITH SANTA” with Riley meeting the big man himself and all of us were very excited.  He was looking forward to the day, I was looking forward to the day, Zoe was looking forward to the day and Ethan was looking forward to us being out so he could play on “CALL OF DUTY: BLACK OPS II” ...All day.

  NOW, Riley being quite a natty sort like’s wearing shirts, probably slightly more than I did at his age, because these days kids in primary schools don’t tend to wear shirts.  “What do you mean kids in primary schools don’t wear shirts these days?” I hear all you non-parents out there ask, well I’ll tell you.  These days kids before secondary school tend to wear polo-shirts, why things changed and how this became the norm I really don’t know but these days it just is, which probably explains where Riley’s passion for sleeves and buttons comes from.  Now, if my boy was going to wear a shirt for “SUPPER WITH SANTA” then obviously I had to show solidarity with him and stand shoulder-to-shoulder with him AND as I looked through my wardrobe I decided to go all-out and dust-down the old shirt-tie-waistcoat combo as it went really well with my jeans and shoes (and made me look super-slim which for my age was a major triumph!)

  At this stage of the day I am aware that no risks lie ahead, the path to the evening is danger-free and there is no chance of anything going wrong as the universe spun risk-less through the heavens as it should.  Of course I was wrong.

  Eventually we get ready make it to the PEAR TREE pub and sit down for a meal, I have my usual diet coke (as I don’t drink) and start dipping my toe into the pond of conversation around me to test the water whilst simultaneously checking out the menu. I don’t really ponder that Riley gets a free drink and I didn’t even consider what the word “Entertainment” spelt out in standard, un-scary lettering meant.  Whatever it was it was surely nothing to fear.

  So we order the meal, eat it and have a generally pleasant time and while all of this is happening the “Entertainment” is setting-up what looked to be a magic show.  I ponder that this will be nice, there’s no risk and everything’s okay.

  That score so far today ...Risk 0, Mike Lambert Athletic 1.

  The “Entertainment” starts his act and is moderately funny with a variety of parental put-downs that the kids lap-up and, as I walk to re-take my seat he makes a passing comment about my outfit...

  “LOOK AT THIS, VERY SMART AT THE TOP, COULDN’T BE BOTHERED FOR THE BOTTOM!”

  The Mum’s and Dad’s and the kids all have a chuckle at my expense and I sit down feeling all “Yeah, you’ve got me, whatever,” and feel perfectly fine, until I look at where I’m sat.

  I’m sat at a table next to the area where the act is taking place and while there is about 20ish kids in front of me they are all sat down meaning that I am, effectively, ON THE FRONT ROW AT A COMEDY SHOW!

  “AAARRRGGGGHHH!”   

  In my current outfit I might as well be wearing a target but what to do?  If I get up I will no doubt bring more attention to myself but if I stay I’ll also continue to be exposed like a wounded gazelle on the Serengeti.  As he continues his act he asks who the parents are for each child that either takes part in the act or wins a prize and as he picks Riley to help him I feel my insides go cold.  As he asks my name and begins to mock my Preston accent it’s like my risk-assessing mechanism in my brain is in melt-down.  My id is screaming out “HOW DID YOU NOT FIGURE THS WOULD HAPPEN?  YOU HATE STUFF LIKE THIS!  BEING SO SMART THE HUMILIATION IS ALMOST TOO MUCH TO BEAR!” but it is too late.  This budget-version Michael McIntyre of children’s entertainers is now in full flow and when he begins to ask me what my job is I know that I’m toast.

  Now I enjoy aspects of my job, helping the public on a grand scale is always satisfying, but that of course is not the perception.  In the grand scheme of things my job is up there with Banker, MP, referee and Liberal-Democrat party member such is the hatred that comes with it.  I can’t even go into what my job is with this guy because if I do he will not stop with the put-downs probably for the rest of the act and so, for what may well have been the first time in my life, I let words fail me and thankfully the comedian moves on to more vocal targets as my silence leads him into a comedic cul-de-sac.  I am safe.

  So the act goes on and more stuff occurs and I’m starting to feel like I’ve taken the worst, my risk assessment mechanism is telling me that I’ve now had my share of the rip taken out of me and that is that.  In hindsight at this point I probably would have been better asking Father Christmas for some new risk-assessment equipment because then came the coup-de-gras as the “Entertainment” then asks the children to impersonate a reindeer BUT they don’t have to worry as there was someone in the room who would show the boys and girls how it was done, someone who did this professionally, someone who would show them exactly what to do!

  “Please don’t be me, please don’t be me, please don’t be me,” is all I’m thinking, the exact opposite of what I think during the Friday Euromillions lottery draw, but I already know what the answer is...

  “IT’S MIKE!” the comedian shouts.

  “AAARRRGGGGHHH!” my Id screams from the inside.  But as Riley stares at me expectantly I realise there is nothing I can do.  I can’t leave the room and I can’t get out of it as one of the things I have instilled in Riley is that you always should TRY!  I have gone from being a gazelle to a reindeer, but worse, as a reindeer I have to actually get up and act like a reindeer in front of adults and children while being stone-cold sober, at least as a wounded gazelle I could just sit there.  The comedian gives the instructions for what I should do to be the perfect reindeer and I do it.  After I’m told that the attempt was more like a bull than a reindeer I have to do it again but to equal derision but after this second go at least I get to sit down, my humiliation complete ...ALMOST!

  The photographic record of the reindeer impersonating moment goes on Facebook showing everyone the very real dangers of FORGETTING THE GOLDEN RULES!

  BUT...

  There is an upside to this tragic tale because although I forgot one golden rule, that of sitting at the front row of a comedy act, I was at the same time reminded of another golden rule that we take for granted but know is true.  The one that goes like this “AS A PARENT YOU WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOUR KIDS” and I should know, I was the object of a comedian’s ridicule, a reindeer and a gazelle for my child, all at the same time.

  On behalf of everyone at Mister Chatable (Just me then!) I wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Mister Chatable.

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