SO you can imagine my absolute horror when I created Mr Chatable's 12 days of Christmas and discovered that I'd only posted FIVE, yes, FIVE short stories on my website, which I think we can all agree is really shocking. Even I could not believe how few short stories I had posted. So in order to make up for such a shockingly few amount of short stories I will be re-posting all 4 short stories from my sister's blog PLUS the additional excellent ALONE: A comic fable.
So from me, Mister Chatable, I hope you all had a delightful Christmas time and go on to have a tremendous new year.
Adieu!
Alone (a comic fable)
“I’m standing on the bridge,
I’m waiting in the dark,
I thought that you’d be here, by now,
There’s nothing but the rain,
No footsteps on the ground,
I’m listening but there’s no sound,”
So started the alarm as it did every morning. Avril from his i-tunes singing softly about how not-isolated she was. Bradley Thoroughgood loved that tune and usually let him gently coax him into the day, at first occupying his dreams and then placing him smoothly into the conscious realm. But this morning was different, this morning something was wrong. He could hear it outside and it was rather unsettling in it’s obviousness. The birds were too loud. Bradley didn’t know why it should be that way but their volume was way off.
The sun was bursting into the room behind the gaps between the curtains demanding he get his arse out of bed and head into work the same as always. How he wanted to avoid that and just play the day away; but at thirty-two he was no longer in a position were he could. He needed to work to pay the bills, to make sure he had money for nights out and to impress the ladies. Ah, the ladies. His one weakness. Still at least that meant that his “Facebook” and “Twitter” pages were loaded with female friends and followers. However before he left for work it was his tradition to listen to some radio toons while making his breakfast.
Walking downstairs in his zombie state and yawning at exactly the same point as he did every morning, Bradley started to find the birds cheery volume slightly creepy. Beautiful day it may be but the sound out there was like they were having a party or something. He got to the kitchen flicked the kettle and radio on. One gave out exactly the right noise, the other ...Just gave out static. Bradley looked at the radio, a befuddled look on his face. He staggered back and flicked at the tuner gently almost like he was coming to the final stages of cracking a safe as he listened intently for any tune ...But the station wasn’t there. Now he moved the button more intensely, but no stations were there. Bradley picked up the radio and shook it gently as if trying to wake it up but that helped even less. He continued to move the dial but as the kettle clicked off, in a ploppingly boiling hurry, the radio refused to present a single tune or station. Bradley stepped back to look at the device and try and think of a solution as to why the north of England seemed to have systematically fallen off the grid.
It was old. That was it. He’d had the radio years! The internal aerial thing inside it must have been faulty or something. Of course that was it. Bradley smiled and made himself a coffee. This morning he was just going to have to put up with the banality of music video television. He switched on the TV and sat down, sucking on the Kenco extra smooth that slunk down his throat exactly the way it said it would.
...But nothing came on. No ITV2, no BBC3, no Living, VIVA or Gold. Television’s global reach had somehow been restricted exactly the same as the radio’s. What the fuck was going on? The birds noise was getting so loud at there, but it was that moment that Bradley realised something else even more unsettling. The rest of the outside world had fallen silent. Cars, lorries, and even cycles were all missing from the cacophony of every day existence with all sounds of human life Extinguished from the world.
Bradley went from his front room and into the street. There was nobody around. All the cars had gone. The people had simply vanished from the face of the planet. No. That was too limited, I mean for Christ sake he only lived in Chorley, this may well just be a problem limited to the immediate vicinity with all the folks in the area needing to be evacuated for some reason, but somehow he’d been left behind amid the confusion.
He headed back inside and picked up his i-phone. There’d be someone on there on the wi-fi’d world wide web who would assure him that things were okay and he wasn’t going crazy. He quickly punched the keys to try and make sense of his situation. “HEY GUYS. IT’S ME BRADLEY. WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT. WAS THERE SOME KIND OF EMERGENCY? WHERE DID EVERYONE GO? TEXT ME BACK AS I COULD DO TO CATCH UP. He selected his Mum, Dad, Sister, all his friends, colleagues, former colleagues, old school friends, acquaintances and even his dentist (who he hated) and sent the message out there. As he watched the messages send out he felt like he was on an island. Of course the UK was an island, but now it felt like a desert island, or at least a deserted island. He decided to finish making some breakfast and wait for the messages to roll back in telling him exactly where everyone was, that everything would be okay and not to worry. He sat down and expected that he’d feel relaxed as he went through people’s return messages, but nothing came. By now Bradley was getting twitchy ...twitchy ...TWITTER! There was bound to be something on Twitter or Facebook to say what had happened. These days people commented on the most banal shit all the time. There was no way that anything like this wouldn’t attract some kind of mention. He logged onto the network ...There’d been no new comments on the entire web since midnight. In fact the further he went afield into all the other message boards the less traffic there seemed to be. Even on Twitter no new comments had been recorded, no friends, no acquaintances and not even any Z-list celebrities. The world was telling him that no-one was home. At the sidebar it announced that the number of people logged in was ...1.
Bradley’s heart was pounding furiously. He had seen the network as his window to the world but the lack of any view that came back had disturbed him. Something had happened, something seemingly catastrophic. He didn’t know why but for some reason he’d been left behind like some kind of apocalyptic survivor. He didn’t know what had caused the devastation;
disease, war, aliens, maybe even vampires, but he wasn’t going to hang around long enough to find out. Instead he was going to seek out survivors; logic dictated that if he’d survived someone else must have. He want downstairs opened up his car and headed to the nearest town.
Usually, like most people, Bradley attempted to make his journey as swift as possible, but this was no ordinary day. Instead he found himself slowing down, looking own every drive, every road, every turning, just in the the hope of seeing a friendly face, finding another soul who had escaped the rapture. But all he saw were empty streets. He drove into town and the same story applied. The streets were deserted, half-price sales and closing down bargains having no pull to either shoppers or staff. He stopped at traffic lights not because he needed to, but simply because it gave him an excuse to look around. Everyone that Bradley knew was gone, the world had changed so dramatically and Bradley knew that he would now have to change with it. That morning he may have wished to be young and play out and avoid work but this was serious. He now had to become something new, a survivor in this newly harsh land. He decided to stay in town and arm himself with supplies. He loaded the car with food from the supermarket where the doors were strangely left open and all the electrics were still on (Brad assumed that this must be some kind of automated system.) he then went to Millets and snagged a raincoat, penknife, backpack and finally headed off to WHSmiths and took three jotters, a supply of ball point pens (in order to keep a journal) and a selection of books and DVD’s (he had to have something to do, and also a marker and a football in order to create Geoffrey (He figured if it worked for Tom Hanks it could work for him.) After stops outside his immediate family’s home (again all the doors left open. They must have left pretty damn quickly!) and calls to their mobiles gave no answers (But they were ringing out so must still be with them?) he set off into the world to find out exactly what the hell had happened?
Bradley Thoroughgood’s Journal
Day 3
Currently staying in York after coming back down from Edinburgh. The story is repeated wherever I go. Towns deserted and no sign of people anywhere. As I’ve travelled the UK over the last few days I’ve already started to notice some significant changes. Foxes have started to be seen around towns more; I guess as the rodent population get more confident about appearing on public so do their predators. Deer now move more freely on the roads after figuring out through scent or sound that mankind has left the building. In spite of their certainty however I search on, in the vain hope that all the evidence to the contrary is somehow wrong.
Day 7
I DROVE A TRAIN YESTERDAY! I can’t frigging believe it. One of the smart, superfast trains through the channel tunnel. Admittedly I was so nervous I only dared to go at fifteen miles an hour for the entire journey. Took a fucking age of course but at least I can cross it off the list of things to do before I die, although I have to admit, number thirty-one: taking part in a threesome is looking decidedly remote. I’m in Paris now standing on the balcony of the Hôtel Plaza Athénée, and it’s a weird feeling. I’m in one of the most luxurious suites in Paris where one can get a glorious view of the eiffel tower and yet it’s just not that enjoyable. It is amazing how much our mood relies on the company of others.
Day 15
Well that’s France done. Still no sign of anyone. Travelled down from Paris through the agricultural region and have spent two days in the Majestic Barriere. The boats in the harbour bob merrily about, blissful in their idle state. There was no mass evacuation here and no panicked leaving as if some natural catastrophe headed towards them. Tsunamis did not break these shores and the isolation I feel is one of discomfort rather than panic. It’s like there was a crack in the universe and I slipped through. Not that I can really complain. The lobster tonight was delicious and the vegetables with lemon herb, pepper and garlic were fantastic. I was able to go to the local suit place and I dined like James Bond at the hotel’s sea-front restaurant watching the sea slowly change colour as the sun set. Back home in my real life I could never have afforded a lifestyle like this, and the Aston Martin DB9 that sits down near one of the yachts has still got the keys sat neatly inside like it’s just waiting for me to come along and take it for a spin. Practically speaking I can’t really afford to ditch the Land Rover I picked up in Paris, BUT, as time isn’t a factor I guess I can take her for a test drive round Spain and Portugal before returning here to re-commence my journey around the rest of continental Europe.
Day 21
The pool is nice here. To be fair the pool is nice everywhere. My holiday itinery through Portugal and Spain has been pretty much the same each day, grab some breakfast, drive down the coast, grab some dinner, have a swim for a few hours, grab a long shower, find somewhere to eat, make some food, drive a little further on, find somewhere to stay and a bed for the night. As times gone on I feel that my priorities have changed. I left the UK to find someone else out here, now in the quiet of the planet and maybe with
the expectation of being alone I find I can relax and enjoy the world. No work keeps me restrained and the world is open for me to explore. As I feel the water slip over my skin as I dive into the cool waters I wonder who else would ever get to enjoy this? Rich oligarchs and e-commerce billionaires do have companies to run, things to do, places to be. We have this incredible world at our fingertips and yet we see so little of it, instead occupying it all the time with busy work. Before this I’d only visited five countries in my lifetime and thanks to the chance or misfortune of inheriting an entire world I find myself with only the limits of my imagination as to where I can go and who I can be. As I emerge from the water and the sun hits my back I find myself strangely calm to be in this situation. So far no vampires or zombies have troubled me; domesticated dogs and cats seem to have gone the same way as the humans who kept them. While wolves and foxes and rats have become steadily braver over time (I see them practically every day) pets seem to have become extinct at the same time.
Day 50
Jesus Christ! I have never driven more nervously in my life. After finishing Spain off and switching from the Aston back to the Land Rover (Boo hoo! Bye-bye, sweet auto! I’ll miss you!) I then took into account Italy’s stunning vista’s built on empire, inspiration and conflict over the course of two millennia. As it’s one of the places on my list of got to go to but never I decided to take my time there. A drive in the morning, a stay and a stop before moving on again. As countries go I cannot tell a lie ...it is simply stunning. From where I sit in England I wonder whether the Italians feel some kind of sorrow knowing that there are no more beautiful places to go. I spent 20 days there just taking it all in as much as continuing my search, before heading east to the Balkan states, driving through Zagreb and Sarajevo. NOW, I was conscious during every mile that I was heading through countries and districts torn apart by war. While I knew that chances were that every road had been cleared of any kind of explosive device ...I did find myself steering clear every time I saw something like roadwork damage on the surface. Not being from round here I wondered how something that seems so insignificant like a leadership void can spark once peaceful neighbours into killing each other and turning into murderous treacherous enemies? The buildings are like something from the Village in “The Prisoner”, but when you look closely you can see the points where bullets have left their mark. While peace may have broken out and the normality returned the scars of such a conflict are still so visible, but not in the people now, at least, but in the landscape they left behind.
As I left the Europe however I was struck by just how much the world has become just one place. While some rural areas held true their agricultural heritage, big business and conglomerates had largely infected Europe and
turned it into a one-size fits all type of continent. Italy had managed, largely, to keep most of its beautiful buildings standing but the other places I’d seen, well, they were quite samey. Turkey, thankfully, has proved to be quite different and the middle eastern flavour has crept into the landscape more with minarets and gloriously ornate windows creating a vista that’s right out of “Casablanca” for an old movie buff like me, and I find that I’m able to embrace that change. Sadly years of hoiday development have somewhat spoiled it with numerous high rise hotels for western tourists adding an unwanted addition to the otherwise sumptuous backdrop, BUT, if you can bypass that you get a real sense of the different history that has taken place here.
As I sit in a cafe and imagine that Sam and Rick are just about to walk out after collecting another shipment from the treacherous Sidney Greenstreet I ponder the quandary that I’m now faced with. I could head down now through Africa, visiting all the countries there ...OR move east and roughly do the best I can to find any sign of life, moving ever slowly back home for, well, however long it takes. If I miss out Africa I could probably make it around the globe in what? ...Maybe a hundred and fifty days? Whereas if I was to visit every country I’d be gone for well over a year, probably nearer two. Thinking practically as well, if I get bitten by a mosquito down there without proper treatment it could kill me. If I am the last survivor on Earth then I guess it’s my responsibility to stay alive as long as I can.
Day 72
Is it a sea, is it a lake? Well actually it’s both. It’s called the Caspian sea but it is really just a big-ass lake and Jesus, what a lake? Geoffrey couldn’t get over it. There are some big-ass boats there as well. I was half tempted to get in one of the more expensive one’s as I’d never piloted a boat before. I decided against it though as my mission to find another living human being is infinitely more important. So, up towards Minsk, Saint Petersburg and then to Moscow, and what a few days it has been. Firstly ...It’s fucking freezing! How the hell and why the hell humanity ever decided to move and settle here in the first place is simply beyond me. But the other thing that gets me about this place is the fact that, in spite of the hostile environment and weather-hardened people who lived here this land still managed to breed a certain type of tyrant who, time and again, attempted to break the spirit of the people, be the Tsar’s or maniacs or communists or different mixes of the three, but in spite of all of them and their power, cruelty and ambition they were all deposed by a people who just wouldn’t be beat. Maybe it is the harshness of wind that works its way through the warmest winter coat, or rain that seems to move with a mid of its own underneath the tightest of garments that generated this incredible indomitableness. Whatever it is it seemed well reflected in the people who are sadly no longer here.
Day 111
CHINA!
Fucking hell! I guess in the west we think of Russia and the US (possibly Canada) as being the biggest countries, but China, well, it’s like a continent all on its own. When I was consulting my maps I purposely hit it low as I didn’t fancy the idea of crossing the ever expanding Gobi desert, although there is a beauty to it, I imagine getting stuck there over night is far less appealing. The strange thing about China is what I would class as the unseen side of it. Everyone goes to the wall, but it’s the stuff behind that’s far more fascinating. The mundane banality of housing and grey dwelling’s contradict the supposed grand view that China likes to cultivate, however, within these provinces of misery there are the occasional moments of beauty, buildings whose purpose or intent are simply unknown to me, yet you can’t help be moved by their quiet eloquence. Every now and then a big city looms up and the size, scope and plain invention of the Chinese people is revealed as city scapes that threaten to overtake their Japanese counterparts in terms of ambition loom out of the ground like fresh mountain ranges. Whatever force extracted them from this place has left no-one to tell the tale. Wild animals now roam where once a proud race held sway. This must be how the last of the dinosaurs felt, roaming the Earth looking for a companion or a mate that in truth was never going to turn up.
Day 123
BOLLOCKS! I came all the way up through China, through the desolate country that bred the most successful conqueror who ever lived and all the way back to the edge of Russia. I know Alaska is just over fifty miles away, but there isn’t a single fucking decent boat that I’d fancy getting me across the sea to America. The best place to get a boat on this side of the Pacific will be back down in China, follow the coast all the way up to refuel and then make the journey across and then down through to Oregon.
Day 150
It’s been roughly six months and as I travel the globe looking for another soul to spend time with I look at the ball I named Geoffrey every now and then to remind myself I’m still sane. I know it’s a ball and I am on my own, still looking to find another soul on this planet. Sometimes, well actually often, it plays on my mind what happened here and what caused my fellow man to simply disappear off the face of the Earth without trace. To be honest that’s the thing that gets me. If disease, zombies or vampires had suddenly gained a stranglehold in wiping out the species I’d expect to see remains, corpses, blood drained husks or strewn body parts somewhere across the highways (and they are highways as I’m now in America.) I travel down to California hoping that something or someone is there as more and more I crave the company of another human being before the thread that is attached to my sanity finally snaps. Before now I looked on my little tour round the globe as an adventure. I’m finally seeing as the quest it really is.
Day 189
I elected to avoid South America. I know, I know it’s a risk, but the same disease risks that kept me out of the southern hemisphere on the continent of Asia has kept me out of here too. I find myself afraid of dying far more than I ever was in the past. If I am indeed the last man on Earth then I should do everything I can to survive. I owe the species that much. As I dine in the night diner made famous by Edward Hopper I worry about how the hell I am going to get home from here. I could hijack, or rather borrow, a reasonable sized cruise ship and try and take it back across the atlantic. There’ll probably be fuel and food enough in there to make the crossing, but at the same time I don’t want to find myself doing a Titanic in the middle of the ocean. The choices I’m faced with now are stark. I know there’s no way I’m going back the way I came as I’m not taking another hundred and eighty days or so to get back home. I can tell you that much.
Day 196
Fucking hell this is shit scary. I’m on the ship “Brethren of the Seas”. It’s a cruise ship and after a day of pressing buttons and trying to work through the users manual I finally managed to make it go (Largely because someone had written the codes in the back page inside cover that unlocked the computer system ...Someone somewhere still likes me!) I have been Captain of this vessel for four days and it’s fucking nerve-wracking! I have to check the engines every hour. When I want to slow the ship I send the instructions to the engine room from the bridge, take three lifts down to the engine room and make sure the order is successfully implemented and then hurry back to the bridge, likewise I do the same when I increase speed. During the day I travel at the highest speed the ship will let me and at a snail’s pace at night. I’m terrified of hearing the collision Klaxon sound but I have to risk it. I want to get home and soon. The ships empty decks make me feel a sense of isolation even more.
In spite of all the people that once occupied this planet my Dad once told me that everyone in the world could actually fit on the isle of wight and there would still be standing room only. Maybe that’s where they are? I think I’ll take a look on my way back, after all there’s no harm.
In spite of all the people that once occupied this planet my Dad once told me that everyone in the world could actually fit on the isle of wight and there would still be standing room only. Maybe that’s where they are? I think I’ll take a look on my way back, after all there’s no harm.
Day 202
The boat came into view and everyone gave a cheer when they saw it. A few minutes later Bradley heard the noise, burst into ecstatic tears and let out the ships horn which brought another cheer from the crowd.
“No fucking way!” said Bradley as he attempted to steer the two hundred metre cruiser into port. The sea of people made his heart skip and as he pulled into port he couldn’t disguise the relieved tears in his eyes. After three attempts Bradley managed to get close enough so he could open a door and send over a gantry and make his way across. The first people he saw were his Mum and Dad.
“Well done, you found us,” said his Mum, Brenda.
“This was just an elaborate game of hide and seek?” asked Bradley, incredulously. “How on Earth did you manage to organise that?”
“Well it was your Mum’s idea. She posted it on Facebook and Twitter and before you knew it the idea spread like wildfire and the whole world got in on it,” replied his Dad, Bob. “Anyway, you’ve found us now so it’s your turn to hide.”
Bradley looked around at the seven billion people crammed on this tiny island and thought carefully before uttering his next words...
“You guys!”
The end.
Happy holidays to all my readers and a I hope you have a prosperous new year.
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