Hey kids don’t do drugs ...CAUSE YOU’RE PISSING ME OFF!

  If there’s one question I get asked more than other it’s “Mike, will you just shut up?” but as well as that one there’s another one and that is “How come you’ve never been drunk/done drugs?” and the answer is twofold.  One, I’ve never been interested, and two, because I’m the guy who’s always been there fixing other people’s problems when they’re in their drunken or drugged up states and have caused themselves no end of trouble.

  Thankfully no longer being a teen/tweenager and moving in such crowds and also being a parent of children who are not yet at the getting shit-faced and stoned stage I haven’t encountered such problems like that for many years...UNTIL TODAY!

  Having booked the afternoon off from work and then realising I didn’t need the time off I did what anybody would do in that situation and had the time off anyway.  Actually that’s a bit of an overstatement.  I knew that if I went an hour early with the time I’d worked during the rest of the day I could effectively have half an hour off but get home an hour earlier (Trust me it does work but just not in English).  Anyway, I was on the bus coming back and for an hour of the journey no big deal, until this heavy-set guy gets on board at Chorley.  He’s carrying what looks like a bottle of beer and toddles off to the back seat.  The bus continues on its journey but then, on the dual carriage way pulls into a lay-by.  Now at this stage its fair to say that there was a funny smell upstairs, not having been around cannabis for quite some time I didn’t recognise the smell straight away.  The driver however clearly did and came upstairs.

  “HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING DRUGS ON MY BUS?” he barked at the guy.

  “I’ve put it out now,” Tubby replied.

  “OFF MY BUS!” the driver continued.

  “But I’ve put it out now,” replied Cheech McChong.

  “I SAID OFF MY BUS, NOW!” the driver went on.

  “But I’ve put it out now,” Vincent Vega replied timidly.

  “HAVE YOU GOT DRUGS ON YOUR PERSON, DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL THE POLICE OR ARE YOU GONNA GET OFF THE BUS?” asked the driver.

  “Where am I gonna go from here?” replied El Stoner.

  “THAT’S NOT MY PROBLEM!” the driver responded before heading back downstairs.  Blotto Otto then weighed up his options and decided walking stoned into town down a dual carriageway was better than going in a police van and missing his appointment at the job centre and so he left and we set off again ...BUT, now late.

  As the bus pulled close to the stop I could see my connecting bus sailing past.  The next bus however wouldn’t be long and so I waited, and waited, and waited, then four busses went past the other way.  I knew that to walk home would take about 20 minutes but in terms of choices I was limited.  I headed back up the hill and back home and the hour I wanted to gain had been whittled back down to 25 minutes, my life yet again ruined by drug-use.

  I know that those left-wing liberals in the Guardian think that drug-use is fine, bur clearly my experiences show the dangers inherent in illegal drug-taking.  One can only hope that those fat cat’s in city hall read my blog and learn from my experiences.

http://static5.depositphotos.com/1037987/479/i/450/dep_4796781-Young-Man-Sitting-In-Playground-Smoking-Joint.jpg