EMMA THOMPSON WAS YOUR EX-WIFE?

Well, yes and no.

  In reality ...No, I’ve never been married to Emma Thompson, but now, thanks to my stupid brain, I can’t help but feel that I have.  Confused?  You will be.

  You see today’s blog is about dreams, not the cool dreams where you have long lustrous hair, or you can fly, or you’re in your dream job.  No.  These are dreams that no-one wants to have, the dreams that fuck you up.  Yes, we’re talking about nightmares, and the weird thing is that they are the only dreams that truly have an impact on us.  Let’s face facts here how many of us wake up from a good dream and remember it?  We don’t tend to do that because good dreams are instantly forgettable, but nightmare’s, well, they can piss on your entire day!

  Now, before I get to the title of today’s blog it’s important we discuss the different types of nightmares that they’re are.  There’s more than one? I hear you ask, and the answer is yes and I’ve split them into three types.  The first is the standard nightmare scenario, where something terrible or seemingly unimaginable happens and there’s a genuine physical threat, i.e. you wake up and a guy with a knife is stood over you, your family are victims of a dirty bomb and you all get radiation sickness, or you’re heading in the dark in Arabella’s nightclub from one of the Aliens from Alien and your knocking knees alert them to your presence; standard nightmare scenarios I’m sure we’ve all encountered.  The second type is what I would call the maze and has probably been made more familiar by the film INCEPTION.  This is where you keep waking up over and over again and you just can’t seem to get back to reality and you don’t know what’s real until something unreal happens, and it just so happens I have a great example of that right 

  Ha ha!  Excellent.  Anyway, then we come to third type which is arguably the weirdest of the lot, it is the one that we hardly look at, discuss or acknowledge, it’s the one that asks us “Who are you?”  “What do you believe in?” and “Who do you want to be?”  These are the ones that challenge what we are, like a vegetarian dreaming of eating a nice juicy steak, a teetotaler dreaming of going out on the lash or a big-brother contestant dreaming of being talented.  Here are the questions that my brain asked of me, and the answers I’m glad I found.

  I am asleep.  Well, obviously, that’s the nature of the story today.  And I wake up and my wife and I are talking to a young Asian couple who have an arranged marriage who are blissfully happy.  I’m sat on the arm of a sofa and am obviously curious as to who my wife (Of choice) is.  And it’s Emma Thompson.  

  “Oh great!  I’m married to Emma Thompson!” I think, sarcastically.  This is a disaster.  Why it’s a disaster is still unclear but it is.  In my head at this moment she is the last person that I ever want to be married to.  Emma and I continue to talk to this Asian couple and every word that they say seems to act like a stab in my heart, about how happy they are and how in love they are and they had little choice in the matter, whereas I chose to be with Emma.  That’s the choice I made and it was just a choice for the sake of being with someone.  I’m not happy.  I had waited for a long time to make the right choice of who to be with and here was I with ...Ugh!

  The next moment I’m in the kitchen stirring a big pan of beans (what was the relevancy here?  Guesses anybody?) feeling royally pissed off.  My day just couldn’t get any worse.  So then the woman from the oh-so-happy couple walks in and I inadvertently mention that I don’t really care about Emma and she doesn’t mean owt to me.  Now this offends this woman’s sensibilities and when Emma and her husband comes in she mentions this to the two of them (What a snitch!)  Now obviously Emma looks stunned at this revelation because, clearly, she is in love with me and asks me to my face.

  “Mike, is this true?”

  My brain says to me that I have to be honest here, there’s no point lying and so I say...

  “No, it’s not true,” I reply shaking my head and seeming supremely smug.  My brain asks me, “What the fuck are you doing, BE HONEST!”  But I don’t be.  I display a staggering amount of selfish arrogance.

  “So you do love me?” she asks, looking at me with such innocence.  My reply?

  “Yeah, course I do,” I say, glibly.  At this point my brain wants to slam the door and leave, it’s so disgusted but of course it can’t and so all I can do is watch in wonder at my own blinding, unfeeling ignorance.  However after the Asian couple leave I do realise I have to tell her that I don’t love her and when I do, well as you can imagine she gets very upset (Yeah, cause I’m such a prize pig!) and we decide to call it a day.

  At this point I really wake up and wonder what the hell just happened?  I had witnessed my life if I decided to be with someone I didn’t love and it was awful, why would my brain do this to me?  It was almost like my mind had been infected by Clarence and had showed me a world that could be if I decided that feelings were irrelevant.

  “TAKE ME BACK, CLARENCE!  I WANNA LIVE AGAIN!  I WANNA LIVE AGAIN!”

  And so I did.  That dream haunted me and my decision making in regards to relationships for years, making me all the more conscious of what it was I was looking for and why I wanted it and, when I think of what I have with my wife I’m glad I did wait.  Since then of course I have seen Emma on various TV shows like QI and she does seem like a genuinely nice person but, sorry, Emma, it just wasn’t meant to be.

  However what I will say is if you have ever had an experience like this, please feel free to share in the comments box.  After all, it’s cheaper than therapy.

Adios!

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6ajN8asJGs&playnext=1&list=PLA7A1C124B1B4FAC8