DON’T REMAKE THAT SHIT, REMAKE THIS SHIT!  TOP FIVE MOVIES I WANT TO SEE REMADE FOR A MODERN AUDIENCE.

So, “Total Recall” is about to be remade and by the look of the trailer it looks, er, exactly like the original, which beggars the question, what’s the point of that?  A remake should, if done well, give something slightly different to the first one, if a good film, or, if a poor film, reinvigorate a previous film to make it a great film ...The finest example of this being “The Thing” (what a film?!)  Now, like many people I am sick of seeing bad remakes either tarnish the spirit of the first film, add nothing to a previously well made effort (“Spider-man” this summer anybody?) or even destroy it utterly (The seventies version of “The Lady Vanishes”).  So here are the films that I think are close enough, but no cigar to merit being remade with one film that is so far off the radar that nobody would even see it coming.  And I will warn you all now, all the trailers you are about to watch ...are SHIT!

5.  HOOPER

The tale of an ageing stuntman worried he is about to be replaced by a younger more in your face version of himself may not seem like the ideal film to be remade for a modern audience but this was one of those films that when made was little more than a plot-line on which to loosely hang a load of cool stunt clips, it was Burt Reynolds, to some degree, going through the motions which lead to a film that was okay, but, could have been so much more.  If it were being remade I’d have Sylvester Stallone in the title role in a heartbeat to add pathos and tragedy to a tale of the sorrowful process of aging that wouldn’t just be about a load of car chases, sky diving and bar-fights but would be about the rigours of age the fear of death and the realisation of becoming obsolete

4.  THEY LIVE.

John Carpenter lost his normal manly-muse of Kurt Russell for this film and instead has to make do with a mullett-wearing Rowdy Roddy Piper and sadly, it’s just not the same.  I’ve always thought that this was one of John Carpenter’s finest and most intelligent films that leaves us questioning the world around us and as such was a brave film to bring out that even now, once seen, will make you question every single bit of advertising you see, every manipulative show on the box and every poster for utter tat that you don’t need.  When you consider that this was made at the end of the consumer-rampant eighties is even more startling.  For the modern audience I think this would be prime material for a makeover with a Robert Downey jnr or Sam Rockwell in the main frame as the man for whom the modern day world just doesn’t add-up if it’s gonna be a more serious version, Dwayne Johnson if its gonna keep its fun!.

3.  FLASH GORDON

Let’s face facts.  This is a no-fucking-brainer.  The later cartoons of the original Alex Raymond artwork are some of the most amazing cartoons ever created; dynamic flawless art-deco styled creations that even now, almost eighty years on are just as stunning as when originally created.  The original credits for the 80’s Flash Gordon film showcase this artwork fantastically alongside Queen’s stunning opening song, BUT, unfortunately that just makes you realise more what an utter disappointment the rest of the film is.  The acting ranges from the bizarre, to the serious to the utter ridiculousness.  This is a source material that is crying out for someone to figure out a way to make it better.  I have heard that there was recently a television effort to remake Flash but apparently that was even worse than the 80’s version.  So come on Hollywood, do a good job of what should be one of the greatesr space soap operas ever to see the big screen.

2.  THE ABOMINABLE DOCTOR PHIBES

A camp classic.  This is a cult seventies film much loved by those who have seen it, to those that haven’t it’s a shit film starring Vincent Price with a weird title, but the tale of a Doctor who seeks vengeance on the surgeons he blames for his wife’s death for me is just crying out to be remade BUT not without losing the spirit of fun of the original that was the heart of the movie.  These days it would be all too easy to focus solely on horror as in the "Saw" mode, when an approach not akin to both "Scream" and "Final Destination" would be a far wiser path.  In the title role of Doctor Phibes it is fair to say that there are few actors who could bring that camp madness to life again ...Save one, the world’s greatest living actor ...Johnny Depp is “THE ABOMINABLE DOCTOR PHIBES” BWA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA!

And finally the number one film I’d like to see remade is one I can barely remember but cannot get to see, it is one I can guarantee that most of you who read my blog will never have heard of and yet I cannot imagine a better end to this round-up and so ladies and gentlemen, the final film that should be remade is...

1. LE MAGNIFIQUE.

What the fuck is “Le Magnifique”? you may ask.  Well I’ll tell you.  Le Magnifique is the tale of a dishevelled French writer who’s super-cool spy alter-ego is influenced by the characters and people in his life.  We see him when things go well in his fantasy world as the suave, all-knowing secret agent, but when things are bad, well, then the fantasy versions of the spy are anything but cool.  This ancient French film starring Jean-Paul Belmondo seems like one of those that is crying out to be remade and reimagined for the modern audience as it is one of those that is a good idea not quite realised as good as could be.  

You would need to get someone in the title role who could play super-suave, handsome and macho and at the same time, ridiculous and humorous with a terrific sense of comic timing which, for me, seems ideal Bradley Cooper territory.  As for the women who would fit for the Jacqueline Bisset role, well that’s a difficult one, it would depend on the chemistry with said Mr Cooper but you’d be looking at anyone from Megan Fox to Hayley Atwell, someone who can exude raw sex appeal a la Marilyn Monroe but at the same time create a real sense of vulnerability.  But if you doubt any of my casting decisions do check out the trailers to see if you agree, disagree with my decisions.

And of course if you haven’t already check out my first novel FREE AT LAST: A NOVEL available on Amazon Kindle.  Many thanks

Mister Chatable.

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