ETHAN BARNES ROTTEN FOURTH FILM THEOREM

So, as you’ve probably gathered from the title of this one, this isn’t one that started as my idea, in fact, when this idea was put to me I wasn’t even sure it was feasible, until I started looking at the numbers.

To be honest I don’t even know what was being dicussed, I think it was Harry Potter when Ethan commented that most fourth films in a sequence were rubbish.  Upon such a general statement I felt that I had to correct such a blanket prejudiced statement and correct his stance, but I couldn’t.  “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” is arguably one of the better books in the series but the lousiest of all the films.  It splits Harry and Ron up, mutilates much of the original text horribly and the best thing about it is the ending.  

Then I thought of other fourth films made.

In Star Wars, the fourth film made is episode 1 and let us not beat around the bush, episode 1 is pants compared to the first three trilogy.  

Even though the third X-Men film was given a critical pasting it is fair to say that compared to “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”, “X-Men III” is a shining beacon of a film that straddles art and blockbuster status effortlessly.

The fourth Bond film made was “Thunderball”, which again, falls into the category of tedious mess, rather than exciting adventure which can’t really hold a candle to the films either side of it, “Goldfinger” and “You Only Live Twice”.

“Superman IV: The Quest for Peace” is one of the most tragic fourth films ever as the special effects budget ran out mid-way through the film leaving it looking like it was shot in a photo-booth.

“Rocky IV” may be commercially successful but I dare anyone to feel anything but cringy watching Rocky tell Gorbachev that people can change bearing in mind the man’s impact on political history.

And let’s not even look at the Batman films which have the rare distinction of having two shit number four films depending on if you count the Adam West “Batman: The Movie” as the first Batman movie (The fourth Batman movie in this case being “Batman Forever”) OR Tim Burton’s Batman as the first (The Fourth film in this case being the even worse “Batman and Robin”).

“Jaws 4: The Revenge” is of course an absolute shocker that nearly ruined Michael Caine’s career and one wonders if it was somebody else’s revenge on him for some crime he’d performed earlier in his career.

Countless horror films have hit problems when they hit 2 or 3 but by the time they hit 4 are virtually all but out of ideas.

The only fourth film I have known that is the exception that is “Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home”, which only survives this rule s it is the third part of the Kobyoshi Maru trilogy with the next film Star Trek V: the final frontier being the shit one.

So with that in mind why mention this now ...Well.

This year sees two fourth films this summer and they are big blockbusters.  “The Hobbit” and also “The Bourne Legacy”.  Now one would think with all the time and money spent that Hollywood would be able to get it right now but still they falter.

You have been warned!

And of course if you haven’t already check out my first novel FREE AT LAST: A NOVEL available on Amazon Kindle.  Many thanks

Mister Chatable.

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DON’T REMAKE THAT SHIT, REMAKE THIS SHIT!  TOP FIVE MOVIES I WANT TO SEE REMADE FOR A MODERN AUDIENCE.

So, “Total Recall” is about to be remade and by the look of the trailer it looks, er, exactly like the original, which beggars the question, what’s the point of that?  A remake should, if done well, give something slightly different to the first one, if a good film, or, if a poor film, reinvigorate a previous film to make it a great film ...The finest example of this being “The Thing” (what a film?!)  Now, like many people I am sick of seeing bad remakes either tarnish the spirit of the first film, add nothing to a previously well made effort (“Spider-man” this summer anybody?) or even destroy it utterly (The seventies version of “The Lady Vanishes”).  So here are the films that I think are close enough, but no cigar to merit being remade with one film that is so far off the radar that nobody would even see it coming.  And I will warn you all now, all the trailers you are about to watch ...are SHIT!

5.  HOOPER

The tale of an ageing stuntman worried he is about to be replaced by a younger more in your face version of himself may not seem like the ideal film to be remade for a modern audience but this was one of those films that when made was little more than a plot-line on which to loosely hang a load of cool stunt clips, it was Burt Reynolds, to some degree, going through the motions which lead to a film that was okay, but, could have been so much more.  If it were being remade I’d have Sylvester Stallone in the title role in a heartbeat to add pathos and tragedy to a tale of the sorrowful process of aging that wouldn’t just be about a load of car chases, sky diving and bar-fights but would be about the rigours of age the fear of death and the realisation of becoming obsolete

4.  THEY LIVE.

John Carpenter lost his normal manly-muse of Kurt Russell for this film and instead has to make do with a mullett-wearing Rowdy Roddy Piper and sadly, it’s just not the same.  I’ve always thought that this was one of John Carpenter’s finest and most intelligent films that leaves us questioning the world around us and as such was a brave film to bring out that even now, once seen, will make you question every single bit of advertising you see, every manipulative show on the box and every poster for utter tat that you don’t need.  When you consider that this was made at the end of the consumer-rampant eighties is even more startling.  For the modern audience I think this would be prime material for a makeover with a Robert Downey jnr or Sam Rockwell in the main frame as the man for whom the modern day world just doesn’t add-up if it’s gonna be a more serious version, Dwayne Johnson if its gonna keep its fun!.

3.  FLASH GORDON

Let’s face facts.  This is a no-fucking-brainer.  The later cartoons of the original Alex Raymond artwork are some of the most amazing cartoons ever created; dynamic flawless art-deco styled creations that even now, almost eighty years on are just as stunning as when originally created.  The original credits for the 80’s Flash Gordon film showcase this artwork fantastically alongside Queen’s stunning opening song, BUT, unfortunately that just makes you realise more what an utter disappointment the rest of the film is.  The acting ranges from the bizarre, to the serious to the utter ridiculousness.  This is a source material that is crying out for someone to figure out a way to make it better.  I have heard that there was recently a television effort to remake Flash but apparently that was even worse than the 80’s version.  So come on Hollywood, do a good job of what should be one of the greatesr space soap operas ever to see the big screen.

2.  THE ABOMINABLE DOCTOR PHIBES

A camp classic.  This is a cult seventies film much loved by those who have seen it, to those that haven’t it’s a shit film starring Vincent Price with a weird title, but the tale of a Doctor who seeks vengeance on the surgeons he blames for his wife’s death for me is just crying out to be remade BUT not without losing the spirit of fun of the original that was the heart of the movie.  These days it would be all too easy to focus solely on horror as in the "Saw" mode, when an approach not akin to both "Scream" and "Final Destination" would be a far wiser path.  In the title role of Doctor Phibes it is fair to say that there are few actors who could bring that camp madness to life again ...Save one, the world’s greatest living actor ...Johnny Depp is “THE ABOMINABLE DOCTOR PHIBES” BWA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA!

And finally the number one film I’d like to see remade is one I can barely remember but cannot get to see, it is one I can guarantee that most of you who read my blog will never have heard of and yet I cannot imagine a better end to this round-up and so ladies and gentlemen, the final film that should be remade is...

1. LE MAGNIFIQUE.

What the fuck is “Le Magnifique”? you may ask.  Well I’ll tell you.  Le Magnifique is the tale of a dishevelled French writer who’s super-cool spy alter-ego is influenced by the characters and people in his life.  We see him when things go well in his fantasy world as the suave, all-knowing secret agent, but when things are bad, well, then the fantasy versions of the spy are anything but cool.  This ancient French film starring Jean-Paul Belmondo seems like one of those that is crying out to be remade and reimagined for the modern audience as it is one of those that is a good idea not quite realised as good as could be.  

You would need to get someone in the title role who could play super-suave, handsome and macho and at the same time, ridiculous and humorous with a terrific sense of comic timing which, for me, seems ideal Bradley Cooper territory.  As for the women who would fit for the Jacqueline Bisset role, well that’s a difficult one, it would depend on the chemistry with said Mr Cooper but you’d be looking at anyone from Megan Fox to Hayley Atwell, someone who can exude raw sex appeal a la Marilyn Monroe but at the same time create a real sense of vulnerability.  But if you doubt any of my casting decisions do check out the trailers to see if you agree, disagree with my decisions.

And of course if you haven’t already check out my first novel FREE AT LAST: A NOVEL available on Amazon Kindle.  Many thanks

Mister Chatable.

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THE TOP SIX GREATEST PIECES OF MUSIC TO WORK TO ...ER ...EVER!!!

(GET YOUR HEADPHONES OUT FOR THIS ONE.  YOU'LL NEED THEM!)

And so begins a list that I’ve wanted to do for awhile but never got round to ...Till now.  As everyone knows (or if you don’t know then what the hell are you doing on my blog site!) I have written my first novel, with no small help from Mrs Zoe Lambert here, and am working on my second.  What many people might not know is that I, like George Lucas, write to music.  I find that good music tends to make your soul soar and so when trying to scale the heights of your creative talents there’s probably no better thing to use to try and get you to the top of that mountain.  However, unlike George Lucas the music I listen to tends to be movie music.  It is no coincidence that the first time I heard classical and fell in love with it was the soundtrack to Star Wars and I have fallen hook line and sinker time and time again to movie music that continues to pull me in delight my ears and fire my imagination.

So here for your delight and delectation are the six finest and most inspirational pieces of music I have ever listened to in order to bring my ideas to the page, my words out of the mouths of the characters and drag every piece of description from the keys (I’ve actually got one of the pieces on now.) and I have to say, it’s amazing list, with perhaps the most amazing thing not being who is on the list, but who isn’t!  This list does not feature John Williams (SACRILEGE!) John Barry (IT’S A FIX!) Elmer Bernstein (NO MAGNIFICENT SEVEN?  ARE YOU MAD?) and no Ennio Morricone (HOW CAN “THE MISSION” NOT BE ON THERE?) and believe me no-one is more surprised than me over that, but the composers who are there are all great in their own right and these are the tracks I have listened to the most and I find most theraputic to bring my visions to life.  So, in order, here are my top six greatest pieces of music to work to ...EVER! (I just couldn’t narrow it down to five.)

6. COMPOSER.  JAMES HORNER.

James Horner has a huge list of great movie soundtracks behind him and probably in front of him to, that include Star Trek 2, Star Trek 3, (an almost perfect soundtrack) Sneakers (a perfect soundtrack) and Titanic, which, though not his best work is, ironically, what won him his first Oscar.  The music we are looking at today however is from a film that didn’t even earn him an Oscar nomination but did manage to get my arse to see “BACKDRAFT” due to the music being used in the trailer (Curse you Ron Howard!) but here is where the music is originally from.  James Horner’s speciality has been to create what feel like military motifed rousing themes that seem to drive you at a pace but they also contain quite a grand element that just helps you want to work through sleep, discomfort and even needing to wee and so here is the best James Horner piece to work to, ladies and gentlemen at number 6...  

GLORY - MAIN THEME.

5.  COMPOSER - MARK KNOPFLER

This one of course is no surprise and no doubt has made many a soundtrack list around the world, but I do feel that this one has something else going for it that the others don’t and that is that it seems to encompass everything that the movie is into one perfect element of music, which is probably why it’s so fucking awesome to type to, because, like the film it comes from, it stirs a longing within me to seek out a life that isn’t mine that I feel is in reach, and I guess that’s why it works for so many others as well.  It’s quite an unusual piece in respect of the others on the list as it’s main instruments are the electric guitar and a stonking saxophone element to it that gives it its heart, but let’s face it, you know that already, so let’s just get on with it, ladies and gentlemen at number 5...

LOCAL HERO - MAIN THEME.

4.  COMPOSER - MAURICE JARRE.

Menacing, imposing, inspiring.  That’s what I think every-time I hear this theme.  It shares a lot with local hero in that the music seems to sum up the situation so perfectly that you couldn’t imagine any other theme for the scene and yet unlike Local Hero I’m not taken back to that hot day, instead when I’m bashing those keys I use it to try and turn my characters suffering to triumph, it moves me to keep going for them, creating a sense of ...Obligation that I have to finish their story so they can escape the horrors of their situation.  In terms of a similar sound in the classical world, for me, it’s probably the filmic equivalent or Pachelbel’s Canon and I don’t think Maurice Jarre ever sounded better.  So, ladies and gentlemen, at number 4...

WITNESS - BUILDING THE BARN.

3.  COMPOSER - STEVE JABLONSKY

I hear you all to a man saying the same thing now.  

“Who the fuck is Steve Jablonsky?”

I know this because when I saw his name on the credits of this piece of music I thought exactly the same thing.  But this is one of the best pieces of music I have heard.  In the film itself it is a great moment as it introduces four main characters beautifully with their leader announced in utter perfection at 3 minutes 7 seconds, and is one of those moments that when I get there find that I cannot help but be motivated by.  For me it’s an underrated score overall because the film is regarded so derisively that people tend to deride every part of it, but for today’s young kids this film is their “Star Wars” and we should respect the film for that reason alone.  And so, just missing out on the the second spot, ladies and gentlemen, at number 3...

TRANSFORMERS - ARRIVAL TO EARTH.

2.  COMPOSER - RANDY EDELMAN

Sad, stunning, triumphant, and utterly beautiful, this is one of those movie soundtracks that launched a thousand trailers, most famously, “Forrest Gump”.  It is one of those soundtracks that makes a pretty decent film even better and by God it’s a stormer, starting sad, then building and growing until it grows up into a rapturorous splendour.  It is a soundtrack that soars so gracefully you cannot help but be caught up by it, about a minute and a half in it goes from sadness to musical waves crashing on the shore that you just want to be swept away by.  It is glorious, sumptuous and utterly manipulative piece of music, but I mean that in a good way.  The greatest honour I can bestow this music is to say that if ever my writing was made into a film I would want THIS music in the trailer as its a guaranteed bums-on-seats drawer.  There is no doubt when I hear it that I am listening to one of the greatest pieces of movie music ever created and for that reason alone it deserves its spot here at number 2, narrowly missing out on being the greatest by two pieces of music that together are perfect to work to, so let’s introduce Randy Edelman’s finest work, ladies and gentlemen, at number 2 is...

DRAGON: THE BRUCE LEE STORY - THE DRAGON’S HEARTBEAT.

1.  COMPOSER - THOMAS NEWMAN

Now to be that utterly triumphant piece of music you have got to be good, in fact, forget that, you’ve got to be great ...and this is.  Like I said it’s two pieces of music together but whenever I hear them I could never imagine them apart.  It’s music from what is hailed by many as one of the greatest films ever made and one of the things that makes it that is the soundtrack, nominated for seven Oscars the film didn’t win one and the composer himself has been nominated for ten Oscars and has still yet to win but this is probably his most popular work.  The piece itself is the wrap-up for the film as its main character begins a journey towards peace but not death.  It is a joyful, eloquent piece of music that seems to convey longing, patience, passion, survival and fulfilment in the notes hat bundle together at the end of the film.  It is without doubt the music I have listened to the most after all these years of working and it is the music that to this day inspires me the most to batter these keys like my life depends on it.  And so it is with absolute pleasure and a hell of a lot of enjoyment that I announce that the best ever music to work with is, ladies and gentlemen, at number 1...

THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION - SO WAS RED & END TITLES.

And for those people who want to see the fruits of the music don’t forget my first novel “FREE AT LAST: A NOVEL” by Zoe Lambert and Mike Lambert is still available to buy on Amazon: kindle.  Many thanks y'all.

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LINE?  WHO DO YOU SEE IN THE MAIN ROLES THEN?

And for me this is a good question and not one I have all the answers to (quite unlike me I know!)  You see for those people who have dared to step into the world I have created I like to think that knowing who is in the authors mind when they create the characters is important.  I think every aspiring author out there pictures someone in his mind when they are mashing the keys and planting the words on the page and in many ways I am no different so I thought I would share with you those I see in the words I have conjured onto the page for my first novel.

ROGER DOBBINS.

Of course Roger is a self-obsessed ego maniac type and while I didn’t picture John Ritter (As he looked in Skin Deep) in this role I think that kind of repellent scumbag is what we’re looking at.  Now I’d love to say that I see this as either a job for Alfred Molina or Brian Cox or Trevor Eve or even Philip Glenister as they are perhaps the obvious big names, but I don’t.  

Sadly the name of the actor I always picture in this role I can never quite recall, he’s a stalwart of British TV drama and usually plays repitilian establishment arseholes or villains, he is not a typical Julian Glover type villian but he is one of those actors that crops up in stuff and you think “Oh, him again!”

DETECTIVE CHIEF SUPERINTENDENT RICHARD REVERE.

For this one the most obvious and instant choice every time is perhaps the most sought after elder English actor there is, a man for whom there is no equal to, a man to whom the rest of the field look to for inspiration, and is perhaps the most obvious choice ...Bill Nighy.  Yes, it is very obvious and sometimes we should look outside of the usual names, BUT, when I was writing this role I was inspired by a man who in his very essence did just remind of Bill Nighy ...Sorry.

ROGER’S SECOND WIFE SUSAN

Now for Susan we need someone attractive, but not too attractive, perhaps, functionally attractive but certainly no stunner.  For this I’m thinking (No offence ladies) either Tara Fitzgerald or Emily Mortimer.  Very, very good actresses that can go from sexual frustration, to confusion, terror, anxt and unleashed aggression all at the drop of a hat.  Both of which are more than capable.

Which should bring us to our killer but I don’t want to discuss them yet, instead I’d rather focus on the last of Roger’s women and the one that is perhaps the most intriguing ...The enigmatic, Jill!

JIll

Now Jill is attractive of course.  At the height of her looks, the caring and charismatic Jill is more than equal to Roger’s charm, but who to play her.  For me this is the easiest casting of the bunch and I had her in mind from day one.  Karen Gillan.  The fantastic Miss Gillan would be delightful in perhaps the most complex role of the lot and I certainly think she’d be more than capable to doing all of Jill’s many facets justice, although I didn't think that till I saw her in the excellent WHO episode "The girl who waited" and its fair to say her performance as the older Amy did it for me.  Just sensational!

And that’s it.

Suffice to say that if anyone fancies taking a look and seeing what it’s all about please feel free to take a peek at FREE AT LAST: A NOVEL as it’s available on Amazon and see if you can’t cast it better yourself or leave a comment in the comments box.

Many thanks

Ciao for now.

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