THE TRAGIC LONELINESS OF THE FEW HIT WONDERS!

Everyone knows the one-hit wonders ...Well, they think they do.

Usually there are two types of one-hit wonders.

There are those genuine one-hit wonders.  One number hit ...and that’s it.  Forever.

Then there are those who people think are one-hit wonders who have one massive hit and then a few far less popular that no-one knows about but still mean that can’t qualify as one-hit wonders.

Now because people are people they usually lump the two together.  Good examples of the first are Lee Marvin: Wand’rin Star, Fern Kinney:  Together we are Beautiful, Simon Park Orchestra: Eye Level (something that seems to only mean something to me and Peter Kay) Partners in Krime:  Turtle Power and recently Nizlopi: The JCB song.

Examples of the other kind are Bombalurina:  Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini, 2 Unlimited:  No Limit, D: Ream:  Things can only get better and Rednex:  Cotton Eyed Joe ...all of who charted more than once.

BUT what about the others who do decidedly better but are tossed onto the scrapheap once there star fades, the tragic few-hit wonders.  In the eighties during the second British invasion there were some acts who went massive like Spandau and Duran and Wham (or should that be Greco-Brit invasion?) anyway there were loads BUT a few of them came, had a few big hits, seemed like they’d be around for a long time to come and then, with the merest of whispers ...Fucked off, and no-one seems to remember them.

Who speaks out for the Howard Jones’s’s or the Thompson Twins’s’s or the Nik Kershaw’s’s’s who come, have massive hits and then go, never quite climbing to number one in the album charts or single charts but doing very well for a year and a bit.  For the Slade lads and the Mud gang and the Roy Wood fella's and even The Darkness boys, because they had the fortitude to pen a massive Christmas hit then for them the royalties never dry up but for Nik and the rest all the can hope for is the occasional royalty cheque from a gold station doing a where-are-they-now hour, a request to use their music in an advert for haemorrhoid cream or, if they’re really lucky, a request to use their song on a retro film (THEY REMEMBER ME!)

Those with one massive hit are special, those with a few decent size hits are nothing.  Living in a box may well be living in a box at this minute.  Who feels anything for the Johnny Hates Jazz gang, left along with only one tub of hair gel between them ...and no hair.  And who speaks for Dina Carroll who for one year was not a stranger and almost had a perfect year before disappearing, and what about Mis-teeq, how do the afford clothes any more?  Can they still afford three sports bra's, six handkerchiefs and three bits of string (Apart from Alesha ...she can afford her own string!)

Just £5 a month could keep these acts happy and off the streets, you can get a T-Shirt, a poster and even a pen emblazoned with the words “FEW-HIT WONDERS”.  The acts will write to you and let you know how they’re doing and will keep you up-to-date with all their comeback plans from now until they finally kick the bucket.

So please, remember, a few-hit wonder person is not just for Christmas or Ice-Dancing-on-a-Celebrity-Big-Brother-Masterchef, they’re for life.

Thanks for listening.

(Mr Chatable:  What the fuck was that about?)

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