A DAY IN THE LIFE 2011

(After Lennon and McCartney)

I read Heat magazine oh boy

About a lucky group who made the grade

And though it made me rather mad

Well I just had to laugh

...I saw their photograph

They spruced their hair up with some mousse

They hoped it masked their awful singing voice

A crowd of people booed away

I kicked the TV in

Now I need a new one as the old one’s sitting in the bin!

I saw a film today oh boy

Called how to lose friends ...blah de blah de blah

It starred that bloke called Simon Pegg

Him from “Shaun of the Dead”

He was also in a film with someone who was once in “Friends”

I’ve turned the Tee Vee o-o-o-o-on

Woke up, switched off my phone

Let the dog chew on a bone

Made the sandwiches and fed my son

Made a brew, and put the radio on

HAH! HAH! HAH! HAH!

Made a flask and had a wee

Clothes are on at eight four-three

Got the bus and went and had a doze

Snored right through my stupid fat wide nose

Aah ah ah ah!  Ah ah aaaah!  Ah ah aaaaaah!

I saw the Star today oh boy

Just poxy stories ‘bout celebrities

There were no news stories inside

Just girls in lingerie

Why am I complaining what the hell is going wrong with me?

I’d like to waaaaaatch Teeeeeeee Veeeeeeeee!

(applause)

Thank you.  Thank you, so much.  You’re too kind!

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CORRECTING OSCAR’S MORE SUBTLE MISTAKES

“I Never thought this would ever happen to me!”

To be honest neither did we!  Sometimes it is fair to say that the Academy picks the wrong horse, in fact worse than that, sometimes it doesn’t even put the fastest horse in the starting blocks (Er, is that right?)  

Anyway in this post I am gonna look at correcting the academy’s mistakes, giving my own fake Oscars to who I think should have been the winners for a number of different awards including Best Picture, Best Soundtrack, Best Song, Best Actor and even Best Special Effects.  I will include a winners speech and even the supporting clip to show why they were, in my opinion, the best!

So sit back relax and enjoy the Academy awards ...as it should have been.

1960  BEST SOUNDTRACK WINNER - EXODUS

MY WINNER - THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN - ELMER BERNSTEIN

Sometimes the academy gets it so wrong it’s frightening.  To say that “The Magnificent Seven” was one of the best movie soundtracks of 1960 is an understatement.  Genuinely regarded as one of the best movie soundtracks of all time, comparing “The Magnificent Seven” soundtrack to the winner “Exodus” is like comparing Mozart to Salieri.  It is the difference between the competent and the inspired.  Some people may feel it is unfair to judge with the benefit of hindsight but I personally think it is nice to know that we can retrospectively say, yes, that was a mistake, THIS is what was the best movie music of that year should have been.  So with that in mind, I am delighted to present the 1960 award for best soundtrack to ELMER BERNSTEIN for his soundtrack to “The Magnificent Seven”.

Elmer:  Wow!  Thanks Mike.  I never thought I’d see this day come, retrospectively.  Well, before we go any further I have a few people to thank.  The director, John Sturges, for having faith and hiring me.  The cast and crew for providing me with such stunning visuals to work with, but mostly ...you.  The listener, for taking my work to your hearts and allowing me to claim my rightful place in this little Oscar correction show.  Thank you.  (applause)

1981  BEST PICTURE WINNER:  CHARIOTS OF FIRE  

MY WINNER:  RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK.

Where the hell do we start with this one?  Best Director award missing, possibly even music, after all this is without question John Williams finest work.  But, then again “The Chariots of Fire” soundtrack is anthemic in its own right, ...well ...maybe a tie is in order.  Raiders won four technical awards and a special award for sound, but did not take the two biggest gongs, Director and Picture, those having gone to “Chariots of Fire”.  Well, speaking as a proud brit, as good a film as Chariots is, it’s not a patch on Raiders.  To take history and strand it with a religious/supernatural slant can be tricky and sometimes lead to a big mess, but here we are never in a doubt that we are witnessing historical fact, leading to one of the greatest action films of all time, crammed with dynamite performances, a sensational script and an unbelievable chase across Northern Africa for an artifact that is so powerful it can change the course of human history.  It is a stunning cinematic achievement and a worthy winner of my revisionist Oscar rewrites.  To collect the award tonight we don’t have Frank Marshall, George Lucas or Steven Spielberg, they were all too busy to attend this award ceremony (“AND I MADE HOT DOGS, YOU SCUMBAGS!”) so instead we have the late Denholm Elliot to pick up the award whose just delighted to be seen anywhere these days, even if it’s just in print...

Denholm:  You know people often ask me if you’re aware of it when you’re staring in a classic film and the answer is no.  You just hope that you’re making a film that people will want to watch it again and again.  I’m glad we did that with this film and I am honoured on behalf of all the cast and crew to accept it on their behalf.  Thank you.

Wise words Denholm!

1982  BEST SONG WINNER:  UP WHERE WE BELONG.

MY WINNER:  EYE OF THE TIGER

There are two types of movie songs.  There are the soppy ballads that don’t relate to the films they are in, such as “Take my breath away”, “Say you, say me” and “Can you feel the love tonight”.  The other kind are those that try and relate to the films they are in, such as “Theme from Shaft”, “Under the sea”, “Streets of Philadelphia” and “Lose yourself”.  The first type is relatively straightforward and usually just involves nicking a line of dialogue from the film and building around that.  The second is harder.  To encapsulate a film in a song is much, much harder, and to do that and succeed should be both commended and rewarded.  In 1982 the most successful and most popular song of the year was without doubt “Eye of the Tiger”.  Since then it has gone on to become one of the most successful songs of all time selling over 5 millions copies worldwide, has become an anthemic sporting tune, has collected various accolades and other awards EXCEPT, for the one that actually matters.  In 1982 “An Officer and a Gentleman” was basically considered a more worthy film than “Rocky III” and as such stole the award right out from under it’s nose, but here and now we can amend such a lack of foresight and give it what it deserves.  To accept this award for best original song for 1982 we have Mr T.

Mr T:  Quit your jibber-jabber, boy!  I pity the fools who did not give “Eye of the tiger” the Oscar for best song.  I’m gonna find out which of y’all voted for that pussy “Up where we belong” song, take this award and ram it up y’all’s...

Mike:  Thank you, Mr T.  Orchestra please start playing and quickly!  (Music kicks in over Mr T’s rant.)

1993  BEST ACTOR WINNER:  TOM HANKS

MY WINNER:  LIAM NEESON

Imagine me, the blogger, at my youngest and angriest young man stage, for the travesty of this award made me so angry I was almost in rigour!  Having heard all the praise for Schindler’s List and Spielberg this and Spielberg that, I expected that I’d be blown away by the direction, and, while it was very good, Spielberg had spared himself some of the job of directing the film by casting it correctly with three male leads that were to give some stunning performances, none of which were to receive the academy’s highest praise.  Liam Neeson as Schindler is perfectly balanced as a cold hearted business-man with surprising inner depths.  There is a certain Bogart-esque-ness to the portrayal and he is a revelation and arguably never better, BUT, this was the year Hollywood finally acknowledged AIDS in a big way.  Before then, even though celebrities had died, it had not dealt with the subject before “Philadelphia” and so that meant that the film just had to get one of the big awards, but not too big as it was Steven’s year.  And so off walked Tom Hanks with the best actor award when he probably didn’t deserve it (same true of the next year for “Forrest Gump”, the irony being the two performances he did deserve it for “Saving Private Ryan” and “Castaway” earned him only a nomination!)  So to collect this award Mr Neeson, please step forward.

Liam Neeson:  I can’t accept this award.  While it’s an honour to be acknowledged as the best performer of the year 1992, I also know it hasn’t come from my peers.  It may have been a mistake me not getting the Oscar, but I know it was an honest mistake.  So, thanks, but no thanks.

Mike:  Liam, you controversial bastard!

Liam Neeson:  I will remind you I was in both “The A-Team”...

Mike:  Pfff!  That’s just pretend.

Liam Neeson:  ...And “TAKEN”!

Mike:  And I respect you’re decision, ladies and gentlemen the very honourable Liam Neeson! (applause)

2007:  BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS:  THE GOLDEN COMPASS

  MY WINNER:  TRANSFORMERS

Sometimes films bomb...well sort of!  They have a ton of money spent on them and they fail spectacularly...well, in a way.  Sometimes it’s sad when they do this as they’re good, like “Stardust”, but sometimes they fail because they’re no good, like “The Golden Compass” ...well, kind of...I’ll explain more in a little while.  “The Golden Compass” and it’s subsequent two sequels were massive worldwide literary successes and when it was announced by Warners that they were making them, eyebrows were raised in many circles over this.  America even now is still a big home for the church and to take on the job of bringing a book to the big screen that was so critical of said Church was never going to be  comfortable mix.  So in order to bring it to the big screen, the Church was changed to the Authority and the whole thing about Daemons being the little voice inside our heads was lost so much it seemed more like they were mere pets.  As a result the film become a convoluted mess and bombed in America BUT not worldwide.  Worldwide the film, in spite of all these problems was reasonably successful, but due to a very lousy distribution deal it meant that Warner Brothers did not make enough money back to justify making the next two films of the series as it would not have been cost effective for them.  And so what happened was that The Golden Compass seemed to pick up on the sympathy vote, the “Oh no, that film really bombed, maybe of we give it the best special effects Oscar then it might get some more bums on seats” type vote.  The effects in Transformers are helped significantly by Director Michael Bay’s decision to, where possible, use the real world as much as possible and therefore avoids the mistakes of many films that just CGI the hell out of every scene.  Special effects should be precisely that and too many film-makers are forgetting this key thing.  By contrast the Golden Compass does have all too much of this computer game looking trickery that lacks any sense of realism and therefore any sense of  danger. So without further ado, I am delighted to Present the 2007 academy award for best special effects to someone who is a living breathing special effect ...Optimus Prime!

Optimus:  Thank you, Humans, for this acknowledgment finally that all the efforts, all the attention to detail and time consumed in bringing us to life was not in vain.  You have shown that like us there’s more to you then meets...

Mike:  Yes, yes.  Thanks for that, Optimus.  (Applause)

And that’s it for now.  Next time we will look at a missing statuette for Soundtrack, Film, Actor, Original Screenplay and also Best Supporting Actor.

Hope you enjoyed my revisionist award ceremony.

Till next time, Adieu!

(all celebrity awards speeches are of course fiction....duh!)
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The Academy, as the copyright owner of the Academy's “Oscar” statuette, and owner of its trademarks and service marks, including “OSCAR®,” “OSCARS®,” “ACADEMY AWARD®,” “ACADEMY AWARDS®,” “OSCAR NIGHT®,” “A.M.P.A.S.®” and the federally registered “Oscar” design mark, is required to protect its properties against unauthorized uses and infringements.

THE TV SHOWS THAT DIDN’T QUITE MAKE IT

“Well, the way they make shows is, they make one show. That show's called a pilot. Then they show that show to the people who make shows, and on the strength of that one show they decide if they're going to make more shows. Some pilots get picked and become television programs. Some don't, become nothing. She starred in one of the ones that became nothing.”

Having also experienced the intense pride, soul-bursting joy and gut-wrenching dismay of being involved (all too briefly) in a mini-pilot I can to some degree extrapolate with a certain degree of certainty what most TV execs are looking for in a successful series.  With all the great writers (and even the less than great writers) out there, extremely capable directors and even great directors working in the TV industry there is one thing that execs want more than anything else in their shows.

It has to be cheap.

Money being spent on shows is the last thing they want.  Let’s face facts here if they have to spend the same amount of money on “Father Ted” as they do on the dismal sketch show “Jam” then is it any wonder they just want to film a group of normal folk and try to simply edit them into being funny.  These are the reasons why such shows as “Hogan knows best!”, “Geordie Shore” or the abysmal “Keeping up with the Kardashians” are made because they are cheap and easy to fill with advertising space for products nobody wants. 

Geordie Shore

Keeping up with the Kardashians

Keeping up with the Kardashians must feature the lowest ratio of content to programming on earth.  When you remove the shots of them looking at each other after every supposed piece of “real” dialogue, their commentary on what they were actually thinking after the looks, advertising and titles, you probably have a half hour show that’s probably only 10 minutes long.  

But these catchy celebrity titles got me thinking, especially with the new series "McFly on the Wall", about other potential new shows that also featured the celebrities name in a quirky way.  With my IR Posse (Alex Brown, Sally Clabburn, Michael Eyles, Helen Green and Daniel McGorry “What up, bitches?” what up bitches?  which of you guys came up with that?) we managed to come up with absolutely loads.  Please enjoy, re-post and feel free to comment...

Joe’s Quosh! - Joe decides to take on the soft drinks giants in this reality based show where he becomes the manager of a cordial factory in Epping, dealing with the infamous blueberry famine and wrestling with the problem of creating a banana flavoured drink that isn’t a shake.

Stephanie Beach ‘em - Stephanie takes 20 plucky university students, dumps them on a desert island and waits to see what happens, cannibalism or cunnilingus?

Kerry Kat-Owner - Due to her disastrous love-life she decides to become a cat lady, taking on board 20 strays, 3 camera crews and 2 celebrity magazines.

Starr Gazers -  Freddie and Ringo play a pair of perverted peeping tom’s spying on their 19 year old neighbour - Rating - Stalkery

KEANE AS MUSTARD - Watch the trials and tribulations as Roy and Robbie open an Irish Delicatessen on Deansgate.

FOWL PLAY - Odd couple Robbie and Arthur Folwer decide to get themselves a chicken coop.

Matthew and Megan’s Fox - Matthew Fox and his sister Megan fight for custody over their ginger pet.

John’s Cue-Sack - Thought provoking voyage of personal discovery discussing testicular cancer to discover when they are removed do they get sent to the knacker’s yard - on More4.

FROM TUSK TILL DAWN -  Dawn French goes on an African elephant hunt and bags enough to make 20 piano’s or 1 jacket.

Ryan’s Renault - Ryan Reynold’s crosses America in a 2 litre Laguna.

Guy’s Fork - Aside from being a Protestant hater and a mastermind of the destruction of Parliament, in his spare time Guy is quite a culinary genius.  Follow him as he looks into the past and tries delicacies from the time William the Conquerer, Cleopatra and more!

Peter Kay-K-K! -  High octane drama.  When a convenience store owner is killed in his home town, the Bolton funny-man goes to the deep south to do battle with the Ku Klux Klan - rating - racial tension!

Doris’ Day - Follow Doris as she wakes up, makes herself a cup of tea.  After getting ready she pays the garden centre a visit, goes home, watches news-night, then retires to bed.

Action packed!!!

Owen Goal - Michael Owen and Owen Coyle attempt to train Great Britain’s paraplegic football team.  Enjoy the thrills and spills as the wheelchair lads attempt zonal marking.

Woody and Buzz! - Woody Allen attempts to get to the bottom of the appeal of the world’s favourite sex toy . . . the giant vibrating egg!

Ralph and Joseph Fiennes wines - The Fienne’s boys live the fienne life and open a branch of Threshers

Celebrity Celebrity Big Brother - Genuine celebrities go into the Big Brother house.

Imagine the fun of watching Clint Eastwood and Jack Nicholson argue over what tea bags to buy ...Tetley or PG?

Watch Madonna and Angelina Jolie fight over who’s going to adopt Mario Balotelli.

See Danny DeVito get eaten by a doormouse and Flo Rider work out that Vince Vaughn was taken the piss when he talked about rapers Cal Ifornya, George Ya and Mitch Igan!

Kevin’s Key-Gone - Kevin Keegan becomes a locksmith only to quit halfway through the series and be replaced by Martin O’Neill.

Arsene’s Elbow -  Arsene Wenger takes over managing Britain’s best nearly successful indie band and then replaces them with less expensive younger foreign musicians with supposedly more potential.

Beyonce Know-Alls - Wailing, big thighed Diva defends her world pub quiz crown in a showdown at the Eagle and Child against the reigning European champion, Brain Blessed!

Claudia Shiver - Claudia is invited to live in an igloo for a year.  Unbeknown to her it’s all a con and there’s no film in the camera’s.

Bale and Haye - Christian Bale and David Haye team up to become a wrestling duo, going up against Dale (Winton) and (Harry) Hill and against the might of Daryl (Hannah) and (Colin) Farrell.

NINE BOB NOTE - Robert Redford, Robert Zemeckis, Robby Blake, Bob Hoskins, Rob Lowe, Robert Downey Jnr, Robert De Niro, Bobby Brown and Robby Keane all contribute toward a letter of protest about the war in Afghanistan . . . only on BBC4.

Bear Grills and Richard Hammond-Rye -  Richard Hammond and Bear Grylls open a burger van on the M40, which Richard promptly crashes into on his first day.  Bear Survives.

Camilla Parker-Bowls! - Our favourite frumpy faced royal divides her time being a chauffeur to Lady Penelope and also dropping a bunch of seniors at the crown green championships - TV rating - Sedate.

Robbie’s Coal Train! - Robbie Coltrane’s dream of becoming a miniature steam train driver is short-lived as he discovers that he’s too fat to fit in the cab.

Britneys Spears - Britney takes a break from lip-synching and under the stewardship of Raymond “Barney” Van Barneveld, discovers she’s just as good at pretending to play darts as she is at pretending to sing.

Chaka Deemus and Pliers - The Rrragga-muffin favourite from the nineties hosts a new do-it-yourself show.  In episode 2 he makes inexpensive shelves from bricks and hardwood.  In episode 3 he asks shaggy who did his awful bathroom grouting, only to be told, it wasn’t him!

Kelly Ro-Land! - Kelly Rowland meets everyone’s favourite former grange-hill drug dealer and asks him why he didn’t “Just say no”!

FRANK LAMP-HARD! - Frank the Lamp is locked in a bitter take-over battle for the cosy shades light-bulb factory in Surrey after a rival bid from Florescent Malouda.

PHIL TAYLOR-MADE - Dart’s king Phil Taylor swaps the oche and Alexandra Palace for a week’s trial in a posh tailors in Saville Row.

Double top suits you, sir!

ROSS to WOSS - Jonathan Ross and Ross Kemp trade places.  Ross Kemp becomes a witty light-hearted Friday night celebrity interviewer and Jonathan meets some of the toughest gangs around the world in Rio, the Bronx, Toxteth and Wigan.

SIMON’S COWELL! - After tiring of his high trousered antics, Simon decides to assume a secret identity and vows to fight all crime ...against fashion!  Battling the dastardly Gok Wan (who hates all clothes) and the Evil Doctor Gillian McKeith.  Simon faces a nightly struggle against puff ball skirts and heelies, a battle that will never end ...Until Britain’s got talent starts again.

Just Williams - William Roache, Robbie Williams, Will Young, Will Carling and John Williams spend three hours trying to explain to Will I am that it’s pronounced ...William.

The Sylvester Show - Follow up to Ross to Woss!  Sylvester Stallone goes all Space Jam and changes into cartoon form aided by his old trainer Mickey, to try and catch Tweety Pie using a variety of ACME traps.  Whereas Sylvester the cat changes to human form and goes to Russia to box Ivan Drago, getting battered throughout the whole contest before managing to gloriously knock him out in the last round.

TIGER WOULD! - Laugh-a-minute as we follow Tiger Woods as he goes through his daily life encountering busty beauties in skimpy tops while laughing like Sid James.

“I fancy playing around with you, darling, FWAH, FWAH, FWAH, FWAH!”

“Do you want to handle my wood, love?  FWAH, FWAH, FWAH, FWAH!”

“FWAH, FWAH, FWAH, FWAH!”

Not for under-12’s ...or Tiger’s wife.

Jeremy’s Iron - Camp English Oscar winner Jeremy, extols the virtues of his favourite irons while dissing the more inadequate wrinkle removers (“Simon says the Teafal 340’s steam function couldn’t remove a crease caused by a mouse’s chuff!”)

Stephen Fry - With comedy quiz shows where a witty front man offers well-timed quips now being extinct, Stephen decides to work in a chippy in Cleethorpes.

Michael’s Mac-in-tyre! - Portly posh funny-man engages in a treasure hunt as he has to find 12 big mac’s hidden in a tyre yard - TV rating - challenging!

Judith’s Little Charmers - The golden goddess has 12 young men fighting for her affections in an “it’s a knockout” style competition.  Each week one participant is eliminated until finally one man has to marry the orange one.

Amanda Holden the Baby! - Amanda Holden is hired as a nanny to Brad and Angelina’s massive horde of children.  Watch as the lovable Britain’s got talent judge hires a sheepdog to keep them all together - TV rating - sitcom-y.

BOWEN 7-4-7 - Co-pilots Lawrence Llewellyn and Bullseye hero Jim have to navigate and fly to outer Mongolia in one piece.  You can’t beat a bit of bully.

Hi Ho Silver Lionel’s - Fruity dance maestro Lionel Blair and ex-Commodore Lionel Richie take on the new challenge of becoming rodeo riders - TV Rating - Truly!  You’ll be watching all night long!

David Gray’s Anatomy - David Gray reveals his favourite body parts, when they were invented and their impact on the history of mankind.

Reid and Wright - Peter Reid and Ian Wright embark on a literacy programme in which Ian and Peter teach kids to “talk all proper, like,” “Innit!”

Bring to the Boyles - Frankie and Susan Boyle play rival antique dealers in this fabulous rehash of “Never the Twain”.  Chuckle as Frankie hurls so much abuse at customers that they leave in tears, while next door, Susan’s finale high-notes shatter numerous priceless Ming vases.  TV Rating - laughtastic!

Scarlett George-Benson - Scarlett Johansson researches what has happened to the nearly successful singer and confesses she loves “On the wings of love” ...by Jeffrey Osbourne.  Oops!  TV Rating - Utter (Luther Van) Dross.

Blue Moon - Britain’s comeback kings (well, maybe comeback Baronets!) decide to bare their arses in Burton’s window for comic relief.

The Wanted ...WANTED! - Britain’s second favourite boy-band (sorry One Direction, it’s not you!) become wanted criminals when they are mistaken for a group of armed robbers.  

Coming to a TV scree near you ....sometime never!

Of course please feel free to add to these doozies in the comments section

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